Half Chinese: 5 months home

Five months...that is how long we have been home with Lily, TODAY!  It is hard to believe it has already been five months but it is also impossible to remember life without her.  Our family has gone through so many adjustments since coming home.  It certainly hasn't only been difficult on Lily although I dare say I can't truly imagine what this transition has been and continues to be for her.

I do want to be super real in the entry while protecting Lily and our family, of course, but I feel so much responsibility to be a voice that other adoptive parents can hear when they are feeling alone or different from what they thought their situation would look like.  I know when we started our journey I poured through adoption blogs, you tube videos of "gotcha days", books, etc. Everything I saw and most everything I read talked about how amazing the entire process was and how the moment they laid eyes on their child it was instant love and bliss (I could almost see them running towards each other in a sea of daisies before embracing and falling together as one big happy family!).

Our reality was so very different than what I had envisioned in my mind and what I knew of everyone else's experience. When we met Liliana she was much more frail than we had anticipated and had more challenges than we had anticipated. She refused to do much of anything the first couple of days with us and that was so scary.  I don't think we had given enough thought and allowance for the amount of loss, neglect and disappointment she had already faced in her young life. We were completely unprepared and I believe the same was true for her.
Please don't read that we were upset or disappointed or regretful as none of that was the case. I think we were really just not prepared and felt that some how we were the only adoptive parents that thought this. The feelings that come along with a journey like this both from the family and the children can be unexpected. We couldn't plug our situation into those stories we had followed from others. Our child, our journey, our struggles, our victories weren't going to fit "that" mold. Maybe the mold didn't really fit anyone's because it was made up - maybe we had subconsciously made it up.

I say all of this because if you are reading this now and have just met your new child, or are planning to bring home your child soon maybe you will need this. Or maybe you have been home for a while with your child and you have felt alone in your feelings and needed to know that you aren't.  At times I have felt so unprepared, overwhelmed, incapable, unloving, faithless, weak, tired, alone, sad, depressed and undeserving.  This has without a doubt been the most trying and relentless 5 months of our lives. With 4 other children and loads of other responsibilities its not as if you can just disappear into a world alone with your newly adopted child (who may very well demand that even if you can't give it) until you both emerge bonded and healed. Man some days I wish I could do just that - at least maybe the disappear part!  HA!
But seriously, let me say that it has also been the most incredible 5 months in so many ways. I want to offer to you that if you can relate to any of what I have written or are able to in the future just know that you are NOT alone and it does get better.

I began a bible study last week called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. It just could not have come at a better time for me. I had been struggling a great deal in recent weeks and really needed what God was going to do for me and through me during this study.  As I was working on the homework portion of the study I was focusing in on what I really needed to be believing God for and I realized that I was really struggling with believing him for Lily's complete healing. Two months ago she was given a life saving heart procedure and we had begun to see her get stronger, but there were so many areas that just were still not developing. Communication with Lily was very difficult at times (and we even have a Chinese Au Pair!) and although she could clearly fully understand anything told to her in Mandarin or English we could not understand her reactions because she would not speak to us or indicate her needs or wants other than ultimately in break downs and fits of crying. Not knowing what the cause of these were most of the time had started to become very difficult to handle. I had begun to question of things would ever get better.What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I help Lily more?  It appeared no one else I knew out there was dealing with this - at least not that they talked about. I worried all the time and had almost stopped praying for God to do anything to help us.  I was beginning to feel very isolated and alone - even next to my husband who was and is very supportive and also trying to do his best through this process.

So, as I was saying, through the homework I was able to pinpoint that I really needed to get back to praying for Lily and my entire family as a whole and to really just step up and be the mom and let God be God. It was never my job to heal her (or "us") anyway. I started believing and knowing that God would have His will with Lily and our family and that her wholeness (in whatever state that would be) would bring Him glory and honor and that it would be nothing that I could lay claim to. It was that very weekend (just this past week) that we began to see AMAZING strides in her development!  While she is still gaining strength and a bit unsteady on her feet she has begun to do many amazing things physically including climbing steps and playground ladders by herself!  She will go outside, climb the ladder up to our play set, walk across the platform to the slide, sit down and slide down by herself. She couldn't even begin to do that just over a week ago.  She has also begun trying to jump on the trampoline like her brothers and sister. While her feet don't yet completely leave the ground, her heels and now coming up and she is trying harder and harder every day. It is only a matter of time!

And while we are on the subject of  play set equipment I have to point out that when we brought her home she was completely terrified of a baby swing. We would try to put her in them to swing and she would just scream and cry. Then, after a couple of months, we were able to swing her back and forth a few times before she would begin to fuss and want out. Then suddenly she decided that she was all about the swing and it is almost difficult to get her to leave the swings now! She talks and laughs and giggles the entire time praise God!

Trying her hand at Tic-Tac-Toe on the big playset

Some swing set time in the back yard with big brother and sister

There also seems to almost be a changed in her confidence level. It's like a wall has come down and she tries things that she had been unwilling or unable to try before. She has also begun to talk - A LOT. While much of it is just strings of babble she has now started to say things that we say to her in one or two word phrases. And for months she only used the sign for "more" ,but recently has begun using "please" instead of crying to communicate to us that she needs or wants something. It we don't know what it is we can ask her to "show us" and she will lead us to where whatever she may want is. Just this morning Morgan (our Au Pair) and I were playing "tea party" with Lily and not only was she babbling these very long (and serious I might add ;) conversations with us but she began handing us our cups and saying "bay" (Bei) which is Mandarin for cup. Just out of the blue like that! Then moments later we were playing a game where I tell her to "stand up" and "sit down" and we both do the action together (builds her leg and core strength) when she suddenly she began saying "STAND UP" and "SIT"! And if I didn't stand quickly enough she was pushing on my bottom with her hand and laughing...did I ever mention how funny she is? Well, she is hilarious!

Hanging out at mommy's feet while I cook dinner.

My girls!

And then there are her chiropractic visits which we try to see to every week to two weeks.  Lily would always cry and be very nervous when we would go to see the doctor.  Dr. Crisci  was ever patient and persistent in winning her trust - God love him! This past week she was all smiles and even tried to carry on a conversation with the good doctor (between you and me I think it made his week! ;)

She has also started to become genuinely affectionate with us. In the past she would hug us or lay her head on our shoulders and even offered kisses from time to time, but they seemed hollow somehow. Like she was preforming or would only lean on you when she needed you (fiercely independent this one! :) especially when in public and she wanted your security. I mean I know that we are her family and I believe she does love us and is bonded to us, but she just didn't have a desire to be affectionate really or show us. I suspect she has been learning how by watching us as just since this weekend that too has changed. She was reaching for me or Derek or Gabby and hugging us just to show affection (we are still working on the unsolicited kisses!).

My sweet sweet girl

Freshly painted nails!

Forever friends

Sweet sisterly kisses

Writing this update out today has brought on many tears for me. Joyful tears and tears full of sorrow, and sadness and even shame. So much has happened in 5 months and I know so much more is in the very near future. I hope from the very deepest part of my soul that what I have written will help other parents that may be struggling with the reality of toddler adoption and what they may have envisioned or dreamed of....even if your struggles or those of your adoptive toddler have not been as great as what maybe we have experienced.

Whatever the circumstances or outcome of bringing your child home, just know that you are not alone in your struggles or your successes and it is worth it. Every.Single.Minute.Will.Be.Worth.It.......Because THEY are worth it!
And if you are reading this and want someone to talk to about your struggles please do not hesitate to contact me via email.  I would be happy to talk with you, pray with you or just listen.  Being able to talk to someone else who has been there (is still there!) and won't judge can be a sanity saver. We should all be in this together....it truly does take a village. It was always meant to be that way :)

Before I close down my computer I want to say that our life has been enriched in so many ways since bringing Lily home. Our boys love her so much and she loves them right back. Her sister is also her best friend and who she follows tirelessly in everything she does all day every day! Our house is filled with such laughter and joy much more than it is filled with anything else and it is because of these 5 incredible kids who all offer exactly what they are meant to bring to our beautiful family.  And for me it is a total dream come true to be able to watch my two daughters play together every day and see the relationship and bond that is growing between them.  And to see my boys to be as sweet and loving to their little sisters as they are.  For them to say things like 8 y/o Parker did the other day when he asked if his sister, Lily, could come celebrate Chinese New Year with his class at school "since she is half Chinese"?  Oh, God love that boy and how he sees things so pure and beautiful and perfectly uncomplicated. How an 8 year old can understand that adoption doesn't erase or change who you are, but means you are now part of something bigger than you were before. Now she is no longer just Lily, but she is part of a bigger whole that makes up the Tye family. He sees it so simply. She doesn't lose who she is, but has been grafted into something new. Lily will continue to grow and thrive in the love and support of her family. And we will each continue to grow and thrive because of what this journey has and will continue to teach us.

God Bless and thank you for reading!
Jessy

Tea Party with friends

Giving Ling a ride

Brunch with Grandma

That's some seriously great hair!

Making kale chips with Gabby

Cookies!

Brothers and sisters

What beauties - no doubt!

Don't Hide Your Light - Our Children are Counting on You!

So if you follow this blog you may remember that about a month and a half ago I drug out the "ole soapbox", climbed up on it and preached (wrote) to all who would listen (read:)! 
It is not something I do often - I think it may be the only the second time in the history of this blog I have ever addressed anything other than my own family's journey - but I decided that maybe it is something I (and many other Christians?) aren't doing enough. I think I am too quiet about my faith and my God and what I know to be truth because the Bible says it is. It is the truth as far as I can understand it and I really want to shout it out from this platform. 
The "world" has no issue giving us all it's opinion. I think largely because if you do not read, know and believe in the word of God then your own opinion and that of others is really the only thing you have to go on. I have heard and seen so many people perpetuating statements and beliefs via social media, blogs and newsprint regarding adoption that I believe are truly wrong and misleading. In these opinions one thing is commonly shared and it is that adoption causes so many fall outs and causalities. Most often that it is a devastating event for birth moms and the children for whom an adoption plan is made and that they will most definitely have "issue" with being adopted as adults. (I am not saying that any of this never applies, but it is certainly not a given)  And they typically go on to imply (or boldly state) that allowing people to believe God's plan had anything to do with our or anyone else's adoption is dangerous and reckless to say the least.  Or at least that it is insensitive for us to discuss it out loud because not everyones adoption ends or starts well and therefore it is best to just not discuss it - at least not details - lest we offend or hurt anyone now or in the future. 
I just couldn't disagree more and I really wanted to get this out there. Maybe there is someone who needs this right now?
 Listen, Moses was adopted - MOSES! Do you think for one second that God didn't know Moses would be adopted and that it would be by the Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of a nation that would enslave his people, an entirely different culture from an entirely different nation, for years? Do you think the unfortunate circumstances of Jochebed having to give up her child were not used for good? Moses went on to save an entire nation of people! God did not cause the series of events that led to the tragic situations to follow, but nor was he surprised by them and he used them for the Kingdom. Can you imagine if followers of Christ had stayed quiet about Moses' adoption or the circumstances that surrounded it? What if people decided there had been too much pain for his birth mother or too much sadness in the fact that a nation of sons were ordered to die by an evil man and that we shouldn't talk about it. Or just leave out details so that it is more pleasant and politically correct? So as to not be insensitive to his mother, his past or his people or the nation he came from. That somehow talking about his life and adoption story dilutes the very real emotions that certainly he and others involved must have gone through. I really don't think that it does. 
 Look, if you are a private person and do want to choose to tell any details of your life to anyone that is completely your choice - you are not a subject in the Bible.  And I am not here to judge those who aren't as vocal as I may be. But why are those of us who want to share told we shouldn't or at least that we should "really think about" what we say or lay claim to? God has not instructed me to be quiet, but to boldly speak of him moving in our lives.  
If you aren't a Christian and do not know God's word then I can understand that you may not understand why adoption is spoken about so freely and openly in the bible and why I believe that as a Christian it is also my obligation to shine a light on this concept as God created it. But for those of us who know the word I can not understand the desire for silence or keeping it so hushed. It can be our very endorsement of such a union that inspires others to look into how they can get in on it. Sharing how God has worked in your life can inspire and influence others - maybe the very people God gave you for an audience just the way he wanted it. We shouldn't be afraid to talk about how beautiful, scary, sad, rewarding and life changing the adoption process may be! 
I don't think there is any room for misunderstanding God's view of adoption if you read His word. If Moses' story isn't convincing to you maybe Esther resonates more?  Esther's parents died - we don't know how, but it is tragic none the less. We are told that her cousin "brings her up" so we would assume she must have been young when she lost her parents. God did not cause that tragic loss and it was not something shameful for Esther or to make us feel pity or sadness for this orphan who suffered a great loss early in her young life. What the Bible concentrates on, however, is the fact that Esther was used for mighty things in the Kingdom - things much bigger than herself.  And that the fact that she was adopted did not define who she was or wasn't, but I believe her story was included to help us see that no matter what your start in life is that God has a plan for you and it is for good.  God knew the days of her life before she was formed (Psalm 139:15) - the good and the bad -  and He knew exactly what she would accomplish for so many people. Esther was a Jewish girl in a foreign land (Persia) where not only was she an outsider, but she was in danger of being killed along with the rest of her people. What she had gone through in her life was used to make her who she was and that was exactly the person she needed to be. She was right where she was supposed to be and God used her and her faithfulness to accomplish mighty things. He did not want this to be kept quite or not talked about, but rather to be used boldly for all of His children to read and know. 
God's words are loud and clear that he knows all of our days....children that are adopted didn't somehow get overlooked in the scripture and to be excluded. They aren't somehow poor children that God didn't love as much. God CREATED adoption. It is a beautiful outcome for what can sometimes be a difficult (and yes loss filled) scenario. This is a broken and fallen world, no doubt. To spread the word that adoption is anything but beautiful breaks my heart! Entire families are build because of adoption. There is and will be hurt associated with the circumstances surrounding many types of adoption for possibly all parties involved. That is part of living in this world. We can not shrink from adoption or advocacy for it because it may hurt someones feelings or because the world talks about it differently than God does. We are supposed to look, act and think differently than "the world". We know God's word and have a commission to share that with the world. It is a light to shine for God and not to be hidden away. God's word is called the "Good News" and we should not forget that!
As Christians we know that our children are not really our children anyway!  Whether, biological or otherwise, we are ALL God's children - even if you don't know or believe that you are still His child. He does not require us to believe in Him for Him to believe in us. If we are teaching the children that God has entrusted to us that we are all His and that God himself said that we are all to be adopted into the Kingdom - we are all heirs - then imagine how little it really matters in who they are and what they can be based on who gave birth to them. I am not trying to diminish the relationship you have with your children or that a birth mom has in a child's life, but I am trying to point out how little it matters to our Creator. You are who you are to Him from before you were even formed.  If anyone feels they are somehow less than because of adoption or that it defines who they are in anyway then just imagine the how freeing it would be to learn that in the Creator's eyes we are all adopted into the ultimate family! Our Father has a "big big house" (in the immortal words of Audio Adrenaline:) and we will all be adopted into it together! In the end all of us are in the same family anyway. Regardless of nation, location, last name,etc.  Thank you, Lord!
 I am and will take that stand for my children, their birth mothers (known and unknown) and my family. I Thank you God for your redeeming plan for each of the children you have entrusted to me, adopted or otherwise! Okay, stepping off my soap box.....for now! 

"Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house." Matthew 5:15 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

"My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book     before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16

 "But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased "Galatians 1:15

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosperyou and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

" Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

All "Patched Up"

**Warning this is a picture heavy post!**

These pictures were taken about 5 months apart - you can barely even tell they are of the same girl! 

The pic on the right was one that our agency sent to us while we were waiting to go get Lily. It was sent to us by her orphanage the month we left for China (August 2014). The one of the left was taken by me this month (Dec. 2014).

It's been a little over a month since my last post and longer than that since my last update and SO much has happened. We have celebrated 2 holidays, traveled out of state twice and even had a heart surgery!  The changes in Lily's physical self has been pretty major. Her surgery was on December 3rd and though it was a very successful procedure overall it took her several days of recovery to even be able to keep down any food. Once she was able to begin eating and drinking her strength came back...... and then some.  Since then her physical abilities have been growing by leaps and bounds. It has truly been amazing. We have watched this beautiful little girl emerge from the shell of her former self. Where she used to sit in the same spot quietly for long periods of time and play she now almost never sits still. She used to lay completely still and quiet when you changed her diaper and now she "helps" and squirms all over the place like you would expect a toddler to do!  She walks almost all the time now on her own - though still with not great balance she will take the occasional spill she is still trying to do it all the time now. Before she would mostly hold onto things or just refuse to try and walk all together. We had actually written down that our goal was for her to be walking by Christmas and that she did! No more counting steps she takes because now her taking steps wherever she wants to go is the norm. Next goal: running!
I am just so excited to see her all "patched up" :)  We also got great news on all other MRIs and tests that we had run the same day as her surgery. All systems are a "go" and everything looks PERFECT!!! Now to get on with the business of healing and moving forward!

Our little patient a couple of days after surgery. We were reading the card that came with the "prayer shawl" that a friend brought us. 

At Lego Land during our trip to Florida (all the siblings together for a pic!)

 My loves at Indian Rocks beach, Florida 

Lily's first time at the ocean!

 Enjoying the pool at our condo in Florida

4 of the 5 kiddos at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium - had to go see Winter and Hope from Dolphin Tale :)

Along with the physical endurance she has clearly gained the heart procedure has clearly helped make her feel better able to take deep breaths and really use those lungs. We had a difficult time getting her to vocalize just a few weeks ago and now she yells and laughs and talks all the time. It seems that she really likes to hear herself growling since that is what she does most often - through a clenched smiled that usually ends up with her chasing one of us and laughing! She also has a pretty good line up of Mandarin words and phrases and a handful of English words as well. Lily is so observant and if she watches someone do anything just once you can bet she will be trying to do it on her own very soon. She is also very tidy and likes to put her things where she knows they belong. Like when we come inside she will take her shoes and coat and walk them into the mudroom and place them in her cubby. Or if there is a book sitting on the floor she will pick it up and place it on the shelf. Or in her room she will pick up her pajamas and put them on the rocking chair where we always set out the girls pjs for that day.

She is still just a super great sleeper, too. She takes a nap easily every afternoon and is always easy to go to sleep at night and stills sleeps a full 12 hours each night - I wish she could teach her big sister, Gabby, how that works! :)

We are also seeing such a blossoming in her personality. Where she used to not voice an opinion on most things she is now very vocal.  I love to see her shake her head no or get excited when she sees something she likes. It is wonderful to see her realize that she is accepted no matter what and that she can tell us what she needs and wants and we will meet those needs.

Rolling out Christmas cookies

 Christmas morning  - playing on the new "rollercoaster" that was left under the tree ;)

Just waiting on breakfast to arrive :)

Christmas Eve at Grandma Jeannie's

Her relationship with her sister is growing stronger every day too. Gabby is one of the only people she will give a kiss to anytime she is asked. She also loves to hug Gabby. Surprisingly Gabby has really been so sweet to Lily (I only say surprisingly because I thought there would be a lot more competition from the very outgoing and bossy Gabby! ;) and I love to see that relationship developing from it. Gabby speaks so sweetly to Lily and is always hugging her and kissing her. As a result anywhere that Gabby goes Lily wants to go and anything that Gabby does Lily wants to do also. One of the best examples of Lily learning from Gabby I discovered the first time I yelled Lily's name from another room. I yelled for her like I yell for Gabby when I am not sure what room they are in. I was in the kitchen making dinner and just yelled, "Liiillllllyyyyy!" Lily yelled "Whhhhaaaatttt!" from the other room just like she had heard her sister do so many times before. Seems like such a little thing but was a defining moment for us :)

The sweetest things I have ever seen! So blessed :)

Having fun and waiting to see Santa at the Montgomery Christmas celebration (this was the weekend after her surgery!)

Just getting another hug from big sis!

Being goofy!  I LOVE this girl's sense of humor!! 

Holding hands........

I am just so amazed every day by all the progress Lily has made an continues to make. It is truly nothing short of a miracle. Seeing her experience so many things for the first time with our family is just incredible. And watching her learn new things and master them is exhilarating and so rewarding! To think that just about 3 months ago she couldn't even stand on her own is unbelievable. I know that 3 months from now we will not believe what she will be doing on her own.  I am confident that she will continue to amaze us!

Look at this bunch! Lily, Morgan (Au Pair & "big sis" :), Parker, Tanner, Max, Daddy and Gabby - Snow Ice Cream is on the menu for tonight :)

Now for a list of UPDATES:

• Lily has gained 3 more pounds since my last update about 2 months ago. She is now up to 31lbs! That's only 3lbs behind her big sister! She is now pretty much completely average in her height and weight for her age - amazing :)
• We no longer "count" the number of steps she takes (which was 8 in a row at the last update!) because she walks on her own almost everywhere! While still a bit off balance she now walks considerably faster than before and with much more confidence.
• Lily's favorite foods right now are yogurt, scrambled eggs, mac n cheese and stir fry veggies with noodles or rice.
• Lily's English words are: "bye bye", "mom", "mama", "mao" (our cat's name), "more", "hi", "what" and "shoes" 
• Lily's Mandarin words are (I am putting them in English, but she speaks them in mandarin): "shoes", "cat", "dog", "eat", "baba" (means dad), "door", "stop it" (what she yells at Gabby often!) and many other things that we don't completely understand but are parts of Mandarin words according to our Chinese Au Pair. :)
• Although Lily has long loved hair bows, jewelry, shoes, etc. we had been unable to get her to "dress-up" in a princess dress when Gabby plays dress-up until Christmas day. Aunt Sarah bought her an Elsa gown and she wore it proudly that day while playing :)
• Lily loves to worship at church and wants to go up front where she can stand and dance while the band plays music. This weekend we gave her a banner/flag to wave with the other kids up front and she loved it. She walked back and forth laughing and waving her flag during the worship songs! A girlfriend even snapped a picture of her doing it which I included below :)
• Lily understands everything you tell her whether in English or Mandarin. Morgan (our Au Pair) speaks to her in Mandarin and we speak to her in both English and Mandarin and no matter what language you use she understands and demonstrates it by following directions easily. Even Gabby speaks to Lily in both languages as she has begun to pick up Mandarin and Lily understands Gabby easily :)
• Although Lily couldn't even fill out size 2T clothing when we first picked her up in China she is now fitting quite well in size 3T and has even outgrown most of the size 2T clothing that she was wearing a few months ago! 
• Lily is still the best behaved toddler we have ever seen! Even though she has found her voice and now has her own opinion about most things if you tell her no or ask her to sit quietly she will readily listen. She does like to please and just has a very sweet and quiet personality. 
• Lily is quite good at feeding herself now. She can use a spoon to "scoop" up foods like oatmeal, mashed potatoes, yogurt, etc. And is pretty good at getting most foods on a fork. She is a neat eater and will clean her face and hands with a napkin if need be. 
• Lily rode the animals on the carousel at the zoo for the first time about a month ago! Prior to that we had been on about a dozen times and she would only sit on my lap on the bench while Gabby rode on of the many animals that go up and down and around and around. Lily indicated to me that she wanted to sit on her own animal and when I put her up there she laughed and laughed. We rode several times that day - glorious!! (see pic below)

We are just so blessed by this amazing little girl and enjoy sharing our experiences so much with you all. Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers and words of encouragement! We know how loved Liliana is, not just by us, but by all the amazing people God has surrounded our family with :)

God Bless!

Jessica (and family)

 First time riding the carousel animals! :)

Look at that smile!!!

First time worshiping with a banner up front at church :)

Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (NIV)

Philippians 4:19 “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” (KJV)

Stepping up on my Soapbox

November is National Adoption Awareness month and I love seeing all the beautiful pictures, quotes and messages that bring it out in the public eye and allow so much attention to be brought to such a beautiful cause that is so very near and dear to my heart. However, lately I have come across a couple of articles and blogs and even seen a few "comments" out there in the social media that really made me sad - and then a little angry if I am being honest, and I am!

I am the first to say that adoption isn't for everyone, but what really gets me is when someone states their opinion as a fact in an article that others looking for truth about adoption may read. Or pretends to be an expert because they either have adopted and assume their experience should and will be everyone else's.  Whatever the reason they may state the things that they do I have decided that I can no longer sit by reading the screen of my computer and shaking my head - sometimes with tears running down my face because I am just that passionate about what is being said.

I am going to try very hard to keep my emotions in check for this post, but I am going to be honest and share what I know as MY families' truth on adoption as we know it. I realize that this may not be the way it is for every person that has been touched by adoption. I also realize that this process, much like the process of parenthood in general, does not end when you bring the child home so we are still working through all of this. Hopefully what I am about to share will give readers of this blog an encouraging view that they can share with others....and if I am alone in the feeling of the need for this then please just bear with me as I get this off my chest or go ahead and stop reading now! :)

Let me start by saying that I am a mother to 5 children - 2 adopted (one internationally and one domestically) and 3 bio kiddos. If you read this blog then you probably already know that, but there it is just in case.
Let me also say that this in NO way makes me an expert on adoption any more than it makes me an expert on motherhood. I am very far from either, but I do like to think I am a very good student! In addition to my full time passion of motherhood, I do moonlight as a Client Educator (counselor/coach/a really good listener!)  at a local women's pregnancy care center where I am involved with helping my clients with parenting and even sometimes making an adoption plan for their babies. I love both "hats" I get to wear and often they seem to overlap as I use what I learn in each for the other at times.

So let me get on with what I think "Adoptive Parents should Never Ever be told to Never Ever do"!  It all started innocently enough when a dear friend sent me a link to an article about adoption. It was entitled "(# of) Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do". As soon as I read the title I knew that was enough for me to know better than to read it, but I did anyway.  I mean who is the expert in this world that knows adoption so well that they can tell all other adoptive parents - ANY parent - what is best and what they shouldn't ever do?

I couldn't help, but to feel hurt - as much for my girls as for myself - after reading this article. I AM an adoptive parent and I couldn't disagree more with much of what was written. It is clear that I am coming from an entirely different place in the way I manage myself, my home and my children. Not better or worse but entirely different and that is enough for me to understand the danger in telling anyone that I have all the answers. And even though the article I am referencing was written as fact is is actually only someones opinion. So I would like to take this opportunity to give my own opinions in response to what was laid out in this article and others like it that I have seen recently. Hopefully another side of the coin and the reader (yourself) can see two options of the many for how an adoptive parent may chose to handle these topics.

(I am paraphrasing these statements as they are a mix from a few different views I have seen out there)
#1 - "NEVER talk about your child's past" :
If you have ever read my blog you know that I have and do talk about my children's past (in part)...ALL of them. I do not just talk about health struggles or emotional struggles that my adopted children have had, but also ones that my bio kids have had. I realize that we live in a digital world that records nearly everything we say and do and so I am sensitive to that. There is MUCH that I will never share. What most writers insinuate is that if you are sharing your adopted child's "back story" it is to either "parade them around for the adoption cause" or to get pity and empathy.  I can only tell you why I chose to do it and it is to help rally support and prayers for my children and my family which I believe with 100% of my being makes all the difference our their lives. And to be honest we/they/I need it.  I know that prayer is never the least we can do - at least that is how my family believes so it is what we chose to do. I also certainly do hope that sharing certain aspects of our journey (and yes, it is "our" journey - not just my child's) will help to inspire others that maybe have thought about adoption to take that first step. When people can follow a real life story of adoption and see how beautiful it can be I think it can be so inspiring.  With so many negative messages out there on what adoption looks like I hope to help shine a light on the positive.
I also feel like this statement is such a double standard.  It says that adopted children should live by different rules and I just can't agree with that. I have a sweet friend who's son had suffered with numerous ailments and medical problems that she shared through social media to raise awareness, garner prayer support and to give her an outlet and medium to be able to share the struggles and give the updates to all the people who were supporting her son and her family throughout his struggle. Her son was a biological child. Or how about the mother who does fundraisers and walk-a-thons and prayer vigils for her child fighting through a life threatening illness? If they are biological children then it is okay to share these struggles? How about if they have walked through that and are now healed and a strong survivor and you have just connected with this family?  Would that mother be wrong to share her child's victory story with you or anyone?  I think ultimately those questions have to be answered by the family that is going through it and whether your child is your biological child or adopted child it shouldn't change the way you handle it. I won't pretend to know all the answers or to know who this may or may not affect the child later in life. It is just part of who I am to look at all the positive aspects of sharing those things, though. And since I am the one raising my children I would hope that they grow up to feel much the same way and be proud of the influence that their journey has had on others.

#2 - "NEVER tell people you were meant to be a family":
Okay, so this one may be the one I find the most difficult to swallow. I certainly understand that if you make a statement like that then you do not have a relationship with Christ and so this may be difficult for you to understand or believe. But what I don't understand is how can anyone make that assumption of everyone that has adopted (or have biological children) and tell us that because they themselves do not have faith that we should not either? I read one blog that said "If you were meant to be their parent then why were they not born to you? Why did some other poor woman in China or Korea or Utah have to suffer to make you happy?". It is really sad to me that this is being read by others that may not have any involvement in adoption and that this helps to mold their opinions on it. That they believe adoption comes from a sad, poor suffering start. I have one daughter that is a domestic adoption and I know her birth mother very well and she is not  a "poor suffering" woman. She is a very strong, loving and selfless woman that is very proud of her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. She certainly didn't choose adoption for her unborn baby girl so that I could be happy or because she wasn't.  God loves my daughter's birth mom just as much as He loves me or my daughter. He knew before any of us, however, that Gabby would be conceived and that her birth mother would be selfless and make the most difficult decision of her life based on the unconditional love she already had for the child growing inside her. God had prepared our family for her arrival before we even knew we wanted or needed her and certainly before we knew we were being prepared! The way she came to our family could ONLY be because of the Lord and I am certain that the other parties that were involved in that union agree wholeheartedly. Ultimately, those of us involved had to make the decision to move forward, but we were listening and God was clearly speaking to each of our hearts. I can not imagine our lives without her and I love her every bit as my mind, body and soul as if she was my biological child. As for our internationally adopted child, I can not speak on the situation that her mother was in. Given the history of baby girls being relinquished in China and knowing what a mother has to go through in order to get them to a place they believe they will be found quickly and cared for I can only assume that our baby girl was very deeply loved by someone who risked much to get her to a better life. I do not know if her birth mother suffered. I do not know if she was poor. None of that even matters. I know that Lily was suffering when she was found and I can only assume that the manner and place in which she was found indicates that someone else felt there was another family out there that would be able to better care for her. I believe with all my heart that God knew we were that family. If our adoption journey had gone the way my husband and I had "planned" it we would have not been given the referral for Lily. In fact, we would have adopted from China before Lily was even born. I am so thankful that God had a plan and helped us realize that plan and brought us the children He intended for our family. We live in a world that is broken and in many ways very sad and messed up. Terrible things happen and while God does not cause those things to happen He does work to help bring about miracles in situations that seem helpless. God knew that our daughters would be our daughters. He knew we would embark on this journey and he knew the path we would all take to bring it all together. I will never apologize for believing that my daughters were meant to be ours and they will hear me tell them all the days of their lives. They are loved by their birth mothers, they are loved by us and they are most certainly loved by God! But this is our families truth - other parents may feel very differently about the way their families were built and that is okay.  But please don't tell me to deny what God has done for us and discourage others from believing He is able to do abundantly for them as well.

#3 - "Pretend you are not selfish or pretend to be selfless" :
I truly have a hard time even knowing where to start with this.  Since I was a young girl I have felt a desire for adoption deep in my soul. Even when I couldn't know what that would ever actually look like I know that the desire was there. I can honestly say that my decision to adopt a child was not a selfish decision - it was selfless. I say that as humbly as I know how, but also with complete conviction and truth. And I am not saying that I am not selfish in general - I am human. I am much more selfish in almost everything than I want to be, but this decision was NOT a selfish one in any way. When my husband and I began taking the serious steps toward adoption it wasn't because we didn't have children and wanted them. It wasn't to gain something we didn't already have (which is the angle the author that made this statement originally was coming from as she stated that adoption was her only option for children and was why she stated it was a selfish decision.).  We already had 3 happy healthy children when we began our adoption process - and believe me that was enough! I never ever want my girls to think that they were adopted out of pity, but I would be remiss to pretend that our hearts didn't go out to the orphans we heard about and learned about through exploring the process of adoption. Our internationally adopted daughter certainly was in a sad and lonely situation in her orphanage. Even though she was as well cared for as possible there she was an orphan and she did not have her own family to love and grow with.  I think it would be wrong to deny that is sad and that every child deserves better than that. To deny that she did suffer loss, abandonment, etc. would be telling her that when and if those feelings surface in the future that she should deny them because "look how good your life is now".  I think if your driving force behind adoption is to give a child a home then that is not a bad thing. They need people to care and to care enough to want to step in and help them. It is a beautiful selfless thing!
Even before my husband and I really thought much about the life of an orphan we felt God calling us to open our home and our hearts because he was just not done growing our family. We didn't decided selfishly to move toward adoption and completely change up the cushy mid-western life we were living. The risk that having more children could stretch our financial resources, our time resources and that if we were faced with serious medical conditions with a child we adopted that it could really turn not only our world but the children already under our roofs world upside down too.  But of course all of those "risks" are true of bio children, too! I wouldn't change a thing now, but there were times when we hesitated and asked if this was really what we should do. We examined our hearts for the reasons we would choose not to do it and for us those were the selfish reasons. That is our truth and it may be very different from the reasons other adoptive parents decided on this course. I suspect there are as many reasons people adopt as their are people adopting.

#4 - "Never talk about your child being adopted - they are your children - period."
So in theory I completely agree with this one, but when reading further into the explanation I found that I have a different opinion than the original author. I would agree that when meeting a "stranger" or someone who you do not yet have a relationship with and especially when in front of your children (for me remember that is 3 bio and 2 adopted) I would never point out who is adopted. Why would you?  When you introduce your children to people in a typical setting do you say "they are biological"?  Of course, not! I am all about equality among the children....anything that sends the message that an adopted child is to be treated differently is wrong when it's simply based on the fact that they are adopted.
Okay, so now let's say you are hanging out with a mom from your kid's school who's child plays on your kid's basketball team and she asks about your kids names and ages (innocently) and says she doesn't remember you being pregnant 2 years ago, but yet you just said you had a 18 month old (this was a real conversation). For me, I have no problem explaining that my daughter (both daughters) are adopted and I guess I don't go into it thinking someone else will either.  I mean, I guess I just don't really worry too much about what someone else might think.  I am proud of my girls and I do feel so blessed that they are our daughters.  In our family it is something we celebrate and have since day one. I am not pretending that having a birth mother and father out there may someday cause feelings of hurt or at least questions to rise up for my daughters, but it is so important to me to make sure they understand they are no different to our family than if I gave birth to them.  No Different. We love them so much and our bond with them is just as amazing as it is with our boys. As a matter of fact I often forget that I did not give birth to them - really. Each girl has a photo book of their past that brings them right into their present and have as many photos and facts in them as I could gather. That is their history and a big part of who they are. It is also a reminder that they are adopted which we look at as just the way God chose to bring them into their family.  We hope that both girls can feel proud of their history and who they are and know that they were loved by many people very deeply and that indeed makes them very special. I hope that one day they will be able to share their stories in the way they want to and help bring awareness and education to others that could bring more children home into their families.

#5 - "Adoption is so expensive that most people can't do it"
Since growing our family through adoption, my husband and I have both been contacted literally dozens of times by friends and acquaintances that have interest in adoption. I find it an honor to speak with others about how they can go about adopting.  I know that I am supposed to be public about our family and it has allowed others to feel that they can open up to me. In turn I am able to help give them information that can not only make their dreams of adoption come true, but change the life of an orphan forever. Why would I ever want to be quiet about it??!! In addition I try to let people know that there are many ways to adopt and the cost ranges greatly.  There are also many ways to help offset those costs through charities, trusts, fundraisers, scholarships, grants, loans, etc.  We know one family that had their entire trip to China paid for by one of these charities.  I watched another family through a video on YouTube that had raised all the money for a China adoption one step at a time through bake sales, donations from friends, family, the church they attended and "anonymous" gifts. In case you our wondering, that cost is currently about $35,000 give or take a bit. To adopt domestically is typically considerably less at about a third of that and if you are in the foster to adopt program that can be close to nothing out of pocket.
I know there are many ways to make adoption work financially so I pray that others will not let that element alone keep them from going forward. If God brings you to this decision he will help you find a way to fund the effort. I truly believe that. I am not saying that there aren't things that will come up that you will not feel frustrated about throughout the process - let's face it when you get government involved in anything (and imagine 2 governments when you adopt internationally!) you have to expect the unexpected. Just plan for the process to costs you a bit more than you had originally planned and for those nickle and dime things to come up and they won't be so frustrating.  I promise that in the end it will be more than worth it and all that won't really matter any way :)
 For us it has taken a large part of our savings and more to get both of the girls here in our home. Perhaps we could have used the money for other logical expenses/savings/retirement but this was the path we believe we were supposed to go.  What we lack in earthly riches right now we have gained a million times more in family blessings.  Our earthly riches fade away, but our family will be our family forever and we are helping to change our world one life at a time. I just couldn't be less concerned about the money and I am thankful that we had it to be able to do this.  There is nothing I would have rather done with it! I believe the big key here is prayer and listening to God.  If he convicts you to go this route he will show you the way.

Okay, stepping off my soapbox now! Ha!  I hope that in writing this I hope I didn't come across as angry or upset. I truly am not, but what I am is passionate.  My desire is only to share my opinion on what I consider to be common misconceptions in the adoption world.  I truly just want to help encourage others and I hope that what you have read will do just that. I believe this world needs educated on what adoption really is and what it really looks like. I have taught several classes and seminars on the different types of adoption over the last couple of years and  I am always amazed by how little truth there is out there and how little people really understand. Most misconceptions fueled by the media and what they imagine or think they know. People are almost always encouraged and amazed when they learn that what they had imagined is just simply not always right.

May you be blessed and if you are considering adoption I pray that God will show you the path and open doors for you all along the way. I promise that even through any hardships and trials along the way, you will hardly believe how blessed you will be in the end!

Love,
Jessy