My heart just cries out for her every day. More and more as the days go by as I beg and plead with God with my face to the floor to bring her home. It is exhausting...emotionally, mentally and physically. While I know that God has a plan I just can't seem to stop my human tendencies of anxiousness and worry from creeping in and taking over.
Psalm 61:1-2 "Hear my cry, O God: attend to my prayer....."
Lately I have been feeling like a dark cloud hovers over me. I try so hard to stay upbeat and positive for my family and friends, but I feel I am beginning to lose the battle on my emotions. I have such a truly blessed life that is full of love, thank God, and so many comforts. The contrast between my life and what the life of our precious Lily must be right now is just heartbreaking though. It's as if my happiness brings more guilt and despair for me as time goes by. She is my daughter even though I do not yet know her - it is so difficult to explain this emotion - and my heart breaks for her loneliness and need. As I write this I am aware of how dark and depressing this must sound to anyone reading it, but I really wanted to record this period of time in our adoption process. No one ever said this process would be easy (much to the contrary), but I really had no idea how depressing it would become at times. I say this to let anyone know that is on this journey too that if you are feeling this way you are not alone. I truly know that God is in the details and this process will work according to His plan, but that doesn't change the fact that I am only human and am trying to work through this as best I can.
In my desperation today I called my agency to see if there was any updates. To my surprise there was! Unfortunately, the first update was not a good one. About a month ago I had spoken with the director who told me they had word of a little girl in their partner orphanage who's file was being translated in China and would hopefully be to the agency in a month or so. The only info they knew for sure was that she was two years old and had a heart defect. What, if any, other special needs we were unsure. It was a wait and see situation. Well, as of today, the wait is over. Her file is now translated and in the hands of our agency and apparently she does have some pretty severe special needs that we are not able to be matched with. It was definitely a blow that I took pretty hard since I had been believing for the last month that this was going to finally be our file and our little girl.
The next thing she had to update me on was that their partner orphanage in the Jiangsu province has 6 additional files that are currently being translated - 3 girls and 3 boys! And in case you are wondering, a "partner orphanage" (or also called a One to One program) is one that an adoption agency is working exclusively with. This means that the orphanage sends the children that they decided are ready for adoption to the agency who then attempts to match them to families. Some larger agencies work with many orphanages...ours currently is only working with this one at this time.
While it is only one orphanage it is certainly a beautiful one. Very state of the art, top of the line facility for one of it's kind with many beautiful rooms and colors for the children. And I can hope that at least as much care went into hiring of quality staff as went into the care and quality to design and construct the building.
If our Lily is in this orphanage and has been for the majority of her life then it would be a good thing as far as orphanage life goes. I am praying for this!
Psalm 102:1 "Hear my prayer, O Lord and let my cry come to you."
So as I ended my conversation with Chris at the agency she stated that she believed we would have the files "very soon". I told her I would begin to pray that the file are translated quickly and sent over. She said, "why don't we get specific?". I asked what she meant and she said we should pray that they come this week! She said that is what she had been counting on. She also said that though she can not be sure that any of the 3 girls' files will match our family she is going to make sure that I get to see them and rule them out myself. We are in the "first position" as far as waiting families go and she wants to make sure that we can make the decision if one of those little girls is our daughter.
After speaking with Chris I felt so much more encouraged and renewed. I know that she can't change what is happening in this process and even more importantly I don't really want her to (even though I do - I am such a contradiction inside!!).
I have learned that there are times that we can "make things happen" even when God has asked us to wait on His plan and when I do that the result is never a good one. As much as I want to bring my daughter home I know that the Lord has a plan and that the best things really do come to those who wait ....wait on the Lord!
I may still struggle to keep my spirit up as I wait out this very difficult process, but at least I have a little burst of hope to help me push through for a bit longer. I also ask that if you are reading this that you would please pray for my family, my husband (Derek) and me. Please pray for our joy to not be lost, pray for our endurance, pray for our patience and pray for peace over us and our home as we wait. And please pray for Lily - wherever and whoever she is. Please pray that she is protected from injury or sickness and she is comforted whenever she is scared or hurt or ill and that she is receiving lots love from her caregivers in the orphanage.
Psalm 82:3 "Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed."
Thank you so much for your continued support as we move along this road in our journey to adoption.
Blessings!
Jessica
P.S. I have included a few pics of the orphanage in the One to One program with our agency below.
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