"Whom shall I send?"

A few years ago Derek and I were working with another couple at our church who had a vision for an outreach to inner city children. The outreach involved the kids coming out to a "farm" to explore what life was like outside of the concrete jungle. To show them the beautiful world that God had made, to love them, minister to them and give them a day experiencing things that they probably never had before. At the time we had 21 acres, a lake, horses, goats, a lamb, a pony and the desire to be used by God to help reach these children.

Our friends, J and Michelle, organized the entire event with the pastors of the Over the Rhine ministry, Prince of Peace church/Living Water Ministry, Johann & Grace and Paul & Joanna. These are wonderful Christian leaders that Derek and I had met previously while serving at the annual "Block Party" that takes place each July in OTR on the grounds of the church. Once J and Michelle had everything worked out all we really had to do was open up our property. The day of the event we had about 20 kids and some parents from OTR, members of Living Water and numerous volunteers from our church, Rivertree, to assist with the event. We did guided walks through the trails we had set up in our woods (16 acres of trails through deep woods), fed everyone, fished in the lake, learned about the animals and everyone got to take horseback rides. It was an amazing day! I was able to witness everyone having so much fun and knowing that all of the families of the people represented there that day were being touched by the hand of God. We were part of something so much bigger than all of us. I knew that our property and home was being used as I should be using any blessings I had been given. When we built our home and property there 5 years earlier I had never imagined using it to bless others like in the scale that we were able to use it that day. We built it to be a family estate originally.....something we thought we would pass down to our children. We built our "dream home", but without ever giving thought to what the "dream" was. I think it was the turning point for me and realized I wanted to use all I had to truly bless others. I began wishing that I had built a much smaller house and had instead built bunk houses on the property so we could do a longer more extensive ministry to the inner city residents (not that we would have been able to do that there really - we had built in an equestrian community that had regulations I am sure wouldn't have allowed that, but the idea was right!). It certainly changed my perspective on how to use the resources we had.

While we wanted to do another event like this it was not to be. Shortly after this event it became apparent that we would have to get serious about selling our home. The serious down turn in the economy and our enormous loss of income from our real estate business made it essential. While it was sad to move on from what had once been a dream home to us and now I was seeing for the true blessing it could be to so many others, my heart was forever changed and I knew that I wanted to be involved in serving a larger base of people. Perhaps that was how God chose to use this time in our lives to change us and our focus. I wanted to sew my resources (if I were to ever get enough to sew again! :) into the lives of people. At this time I mainly thought of all the children and young people that had come to that outreach. God was not done with me.....he was still showing me what I had yet to completely discover about my own heart and the desires he was cultivating in my life.
It was not long after that I had begun to feel God once again directing me to serve the people of OTR. This time I was certain that he wanted me to do a cooking class. I know, go ahead, chuckle - I did! I began the normal internal dialect with God explaining to him why this was a silly idea and who was I to teach something like that and how and where would I even do it?! In typical God fashion he gave me pretty clear instructions eliminating a number of my excuses and delays.

I started by calling Grace Kim at Living Water Ministry and asked her if this would be something that I could do for the ladies in the area. She confirmed what God had instructed me to do by telling me that they had wanted to offer something like this, but weren't sure how to do it or who would do it! Well, there you have it....God wanted me to go there and so I did.

The first afternoon that I showed up to "teach" the cooking class we had 6 ladies there from the Over the Rhine area. I had purchased all the groceries to go along with the meal and placed them in individual grocery bags for the ladies. The idea was that I would teach them how to make the meal, we would eat it together and then they could take the groceries that were provided for them home and make it for their families. It gave us time to fellowship, pray and enjoy each other's company. That was such a powerful night! After the success of this class our plan was to offer this "class" every month. However, that was the last class I ever gave. When I showed up for the next month's class no one else did. Grace and I waited and prayed and I taught Grace how to cook the meal I had planned to prepare that afternoon (what a precious godly woman she is!) and then I left. It was hard to take at first. I felt like a failure. I thought if I had done something different, something better, then maybe the women would have come back out again. I replayed the last class over and over in my head. Had I done something wrong? Said something wrong? I asked God why he thought I could do this? Why did I think I could do this? Maybe this had never been God’s idea at all.

I began to feel silly for even believing God would choose me to do something like this. I am insecure and broken in so many areas of my life, I thought.  It is amazing how you can talk yourself right out of being able to do anything that would allow you to be a blessing to others! And how the enemy will work on those insecurities and build entire thought mountains around them.  Oh how he loves to stop us from doing what he knows God has called us to!

Accepting God’s direction that I should then instruct a “cooking class” to a group of strangers had been a real act of faith for me. I have been trying for years to overcome extreme shyness/insecurity and I'll bet if you asked most people they would describe me as outgoing and gregarious. The truth is that is who I try to be - it is who I want to be and who I feel I need to be. I guess if you practice something long enough it can become easier and easier until it almost becomes who you are.....almost. The rest I leave up to God. I have prayed for confidence for years. I have tried to tell myself over and over whom I am to God and that I am not my past, my failures or hurts. Maybe this too is something that God has been able to use to serve others that may appear to be more broken from the outside. Maybe he can really use me to help reach them because my insides don't look that much different. The only difference is that Jesus has patched mine all back up just like he can do for them. It certainly can help me relate, that I know for sure!

Even so I still felt like I just wasn't ready to be really used by God. How could he use someone like me to minister to other women? Well, he would - I just needed some more refinement perhaps and all in his perfect timing.

Only now am I able to see how and why God was preparing my heart and mind for what he would have me to do now. Over the course of the last several years he has been working at refining my heart and molding me into the person that he could use for His ministry. I was not ready then....I don’t know that I am 100% ready now, but I know now what I didn't know then. I know that even though there was never to be a 2nd cooking class to the women in OTR I know that it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason they came to the first one either. It was never about how "cleaned up" my life was. It had nothing to do with my plans or expectations. I was being used - used by God to facilitate HIS plans and what he wanted to accomplish there. I believe that he was working on me to prepare me for the greater plan he has for my life and probably working on the heart(s) of others that were there that night – that part I may never know. I wouldn't be ready to be used until I could be humble enough to realize it wasn't about what I could do or what I didn't do. It was all about what God would do...I just had to be the willing vessel.

2 Cor 4:7 reveals: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

Well, willing is certainly what I am!  Here it is several years later and I am now doing volunteer work at the Pregnancy Care center of Cincinnati. This is what they mean when they say if you do what you love then you will not be working at all! It is a Christ centered ministry that works to educate and assist young pregnant women that they may ultimately choose life for their child. In addition they are ministered to so that they won’t go out of this center as the same person they were when they came in. Hopefully they will go out into the world as a new creation in Christ. In my position as a Client Educator I will be able to work with women that are pregnant (or fearing they may be pregnant) and minister to them.

2 Cor 5:17 “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

I know that this is what God had been preparing me for! It all came together for me when God put me directly in the path of a former director of the center who told me all about this woman focused ministry. God brought clearly to my mind my experiences with Living Water ministry, the OTR outreaches, cooking classes, my desire to work in some capacity in the general field of adoption, etc. I had felt that my goal was to "save the babies" and while that is certainly what I want that is not where it starts. Even when I didn't realize it my desire had been to serve and love and minister to women all along. My past allows me to identify with women that are broken and hurting. It will enable me to understand how it will feel for them to hear that God loves them right where they are and that he truly has a plan and an unconditional love not only for them, but also for their unborn child. He was preparing me all these years to show that to these women so that they, too, might understand and learn how to love themselves and the precious lives that they were now carrying. It is the Holy Spirit that can show them a new way of life and help them to live the life that God would have for them, too.
This is what God has been refining my heart and life for. I would not be able to accomplish any of this successfully on my own accord. If I had only had successes in my past I would possibly still be thinking how accomplished I am and how ready I am to do whatever God needs. God uses broken people to reach the broken. If I thought I had all the answers then I would probably think that I can teach people what they need to know - pushing my desires for their life on them. “I know God and I know the Bible and surely that means I can tell others what they don't know, right? How they can do and be better - like me.” That sure sounds prideful to me .....and quite familiar when I look at who I probably was more like just a few short years ago! It's not that I set out to be that way - I don't think any of us really do, but it is what will happen if we don't check ourselves and our pride at the door. We have to be willing to be used and know that it is not because of how "good" we are. It is because of how good He is!
That is what God had to change in my heart (or at least part of what he worked on changing! :). I had to learn to put the needs of others ahead of my own desires. To see others as Jesus sees them and be willing to serve them regardless of what I get or don't get out of a situation. Regardless of  if I feel like I am appreciated or needed by them. Like when no one shows up....I have to know that it is not about me. I have to want God to use me to fulfill His purpose and then show up when he says to. He will do the rest! Sometimes I may feel like things aren't working or I failed in doing what he needed done, but I have to remember to humble myself again and know that God can do things in spite of what I may or may not do right. I am willing and I will love those he wants to know that they are loved and that is all he asks of us.

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?" And I said, "Here I am. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

To think that on this journey I was blessed with my beautiful baby girl! She really doesn't get any more “believable”, but rather more “unbelievable” every day. I still look at her and just swell with emotion. I am truly unworthy, but I am thankful and honored that I am her mom.  She is a true gift from God and a constant reminder of His grace, mercy and plan for my life….as are all three of my boys. No matter how they came to us, our children are gifts from God!

My involvement in this ministry is brand new and I am sure that it will also prove to show me constant reminders of His grace and mercy and the need to continue to look to Him for guidance. "Saving babies" is what I desire to do while being part of this ministry at the Pregnancy Care Center, but my first objective is the one God has laid on my heart. It is to love the women that he will put in my path. It is to allow Him to work through me as I minister and counsel the women I will meet. It is to show them the love of Christ so that they may ultimately know Jesus as I do and begin to see and understand what path God has laid out for them and the lives. Not only will these women have a profound effect on the lives of their families for future generations, but what I am embarking on will also have profound effects on my family for future generations. God is so good and I am so excited to see where He will lead us next!

Never be this young again....

As many of you may know from my previous posts I am behind by a few "events" in my blogs. You may imagine that the last 4 months have been gloriously busy here at the Tye household (and yes, that would be an understatement :)!

In April, we celebrated Easter (which you were able to read about all the incredible details of that in a previous post) and we also took our first family vacation with Gabby. At just 2 months old she traveled by car with us to my cousin's wedding in Tampa, Florida. It was such a nice trip. Gabby was a joy and our travel went very well. It was wonderful to introduce her to my Dad's side of the family. My grandma, Aunt, Uncle and cousin all live in Tampa. We, once again, were able to have 4 generations of girls together. My grandma really enjoyed holding Gabby and we were able to spend 2 days visiting with her while we were there. It was truly a beautiful experience for me and one I will cherish always.

Of course, the first time you take a baby to the beach is always a big deal (and not just because the sand gets in everything - including the clean diapers that are in the bag!)....no it was more than that. Derek often says, "The kids will never been as young as they are right now - not ever again". It is usually his way of telling me not to get all wound up about something they are doing or want to do, but to just let them be the kids they are meant to be. Of course, there are the moments he says it when we are sitting back and watching something that they are getting so much joy from even when we can't understand why it is so exciting to them. Such wisdom in that quote, really. He is right, of course, and I thought of that often quoted phrase as I watched the boys building forts on the beach with the army men strategically placed throughout the sand. I thought about it as I watched Gabby sprawled out in her little "baby beach tent" sleeping away without a care in the world. I thought about it as I looked at my husband lounging in his beach chair with his feet on the sand while the water lapped up to our toes. I began to realize that the kids weren't the only ones that would "never be this young again - ever". We also would never be here again. I didn't think of it in a sad way, though. I thought of it in the context of how much has happened in our lives to this point - our relatively young 30 something lives - and how much we had grown and how much more God would have for us in the coming years. Spiritually we are just babies, really. There is so much for us to learn and do in our future. I don't want to wish these days away by any means, but it is hard not to be excited by what God has in store. In store for us and these 4 little people that I am watching so full of life all around us!

After we returned home we got back into a routine and ushered in the month of May. With that brought graduation celebrations for our boys from various grades into the next. It also brought Gabby's 2nd visit with her cousins Mason (7) and Cooper (5). They were very tentative with her at first. It was as if they had preconcieved notions of what to expect.  Perhaps the fact that she was so little and new made them nervous or left them questioning how to interact with her. Certainly within a few minutes of that first encounter they were in love.  Cooper and Mason both wanted pictures taken with her and they sat with her like they would never see her again. I couldn't help but to be emotional the way they just invited her into the family and certainly into their hearts.
About a month later we took our boys and Gabby to meet Jeannie, Mason and Cooper at Lake Isabella for a fun family evening! Mason and Cooper were both shocked at how much Gabby had grown and how much more she was watching them now.  Even with his cousins playing games on the playground equipment Mason would not leave Gabby's side for the longest time. He wanted to hold her, feed her and just ask a ton of questions about her. It was so sweet, so innocent and so pure. The love that is just naturally there for others in the young innocent heart of a child. Yes, Gabby is our daughter, but yet is a stranger to him. She is a sweet baby, but she gives him nothing in return for his affection at this time. You can't watch that, experience that and not be moved at how that is what God intended for all of us. Not to have the judgment, ill will, presumptions, judgment, bitterness or walls that come with "growing up" in this world. It is convicting. My heart just swelled as I watch this interaction and this little man of God interacting with who is not much more than a stranger to him, with such love, compassion, kindness and patience. Just as God intended it to be for any of us that call ourselves "Christians"  - followers of Christ. It doesn't matter if people do what you want, act the way you think they should, look like you, live in the same country as you or can give you anything in return for what you offer to them. We are called to love - everyone, just as they are. It is certainly a common thread that runs through every life and story that I have ever seen that has been touched by the miracle of adoption. My story has been no exception!

Maybe this sounds familiar? Refer to Paul's letter to the Colossian's: "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy, and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." ~Colossians 3:12. Lord, let me be more like a little child - I don't want to grow so hardened by this world and my "hurts"! I want to clothe myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Thank you my precious little Mason (and all of the boys for they are all equally loving and gentle in spirit!) for being such a beautiful light in this world and showing me every day the way God intended us to love each other.

Gabby also turned 3 months old in May, I celebrated my first mother's day as the privileged mother of 3 wonderful boys AND a beautiful baby girl - my cup is so full :) We also celebrated Derek's birthday, my mom's birthday and Memorial Day with a beautiful honoring parade in Blue Ash with friends. That actually brings something to mind. The friend that we celebrated Memorial Day with is a birth mom. I have known her for a couple years and had no idea until she told me in a beautiful encouraging note that she sent me shortly after we had shared the story about Gabby through my blog. It was so touching to me that she would share that with me. She was also to give me some wonderful advice about how to be considerate of Auntie M's feelings and the rollercoaster of emotions that she will be on. I was so nervous about preparing for the birth of our baby girl and how I should treat M. I knew I loved this girl, but I didn't know how to express that to her without smothering her or making it weird. I didn't even know what I really wanted or didn't want from her or to give to her. I was walking in a fog that week leading up to Gabby's birth. My emotions were all over the place. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping and could keep the tears from falling....tears of joy, excitement, fear, sadness for M.

I know that God put this BirthMom, and so many others that I have also heard from, there to play their role in this incredible story. Just as only those allowing God to work through them can do, her encouragement and advice came exactly when I needed it.

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

May wrapped up as an incredible month of growth, love and happiness. It has been quite a crazy last few months, but we are so looking forward to everything to come. I know it is going to keep getting better and better and better with God at the helm!