November is National Adoption Awareness month and I love seeing all the beautiful pictures, quotes and messages that bring it out in the public eye and allow so much attention to be brought to such a beautiful cause that is so very near and dear to my heart. However, lately I have come across a couple of articles and blogs and even seen a few "comments" out there in the social media that really made me sad - and then a little angry if I am being honest, and I am!
I am the first to say that adoption isn't for everyone, but what really gets me is when someone states their opinion as a fact in an article that others looking for truth about adoption may read. Or pretends to be an expert because they either have adopted and assume their experience should and will be everyone else's. Whatever the reason they may state the things that they do I have decided that I can no longer sit by reading the screen of my computer and shaking my head - sometimes with tears running down my face because I am just that passionate about what is being said.
I am going to try very hard to keep my emotions in check for this post, but I am going to be honest and share what I know as MY families' truth on adoption as we know it. I realize that this may not be the way it is for every person that has been touched by adoption. I also realize that this process, much like the process of parenthood in general, does not end when you bring the child home so we are still working through all of this. Hopefully what I am about to share will give readers of this blog an encouraging view that they can share with others....and if I am alone in the feeling of the need for this then please just bear with me as I get this off my chest or go ahead and stop reading now! :)
Let me start by saying that I am a mother to 5 children - 2 adopted (one internationally and one domestically) and 3 bio kiddos. If you read this blog then you probably already know that, but there it is just in case.
Let me also say that this in NO way makes me an expert on adoption any more than it makes me an expert on motherhood. I am very far from either, but I do like to think I am a very good student! In addition to my full time passion of motherhood, I do moonlight as a Client Educator (counselor/coach/a really good listener!) at a local women's pregnancy care center where I am involved with helping my clients with parenting and even sometimes making an adoption plan for their babies. I love both "hats" I get to wear and often they seem to overlap as I use what I learn in each for the other at times.
So let me get on with what I think "Adoptive Parents should Never Ever be told to Never Ever do"! It all started innocently enough when a dear friend sent me a link to an article about adoption. It was entitled "(# of) Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do". As soon as I read the title I knew that was enough for me to know better than to read it, but I did anyway. I mean who is the expert in this world that knows adoption so well that they can tell all other adoptive parents - ANY parent - what is best and what they shouldn't ever do?
I couldn't help, but to feel hurt - as much for my girls as for myself - after reading this article. I AM an adoptive parent and I couldn't disagree more with much of what was written. It is clear that I am coming from an entirely different place in the way I manage myself, my home and my children. Not better or worse but entirely different and that is enough for me to understand the danger in telling anyone that I have all the answers. And even though the article I am referencing was written as fact is is actually only someones opinion. So I would like to take this opportunity to give my own opinions in response to what was laid out in this article and others like it that I have seen recently. Hopefully another side of the coin and the reader (yourself) can see two options of the many for how an adoptive parent may chose to handle these topics.
(I am paraphrasing these statements as they are a mix from a few different views I have seen out there)
#1 - "NEVER talk about your child's past" :
If you have ever read my blog you know that I have and do talk about my children's past (in part)...ALL of them. I do not just talk about health struggles or emotional struggles that my adopted children have had, but also ones that my bio kids have had. I realize that we live in a digital world that records nearly everything we say and do and so I am sensitive to that. There is MUCH that I will never share. What most writers insinuate is that if you are sharing your adopted child's "back story" it is to either "parade them around for the adoption cause" or to get pity and empathy. I can only tell you why I chose to do it and it is to help rally support and prayers for my children and my family which I believe with 100% of my being makes all the difference our their lives. And to be honest we/they/I need it. I know that prayer is never the least we can do - at least that is how my family believes so it is what we chose to do. I also certainly do hope that sharing certain aspects of our journey (and yes, it is "our" journey - not just my child's) will help to inspire others that maybe have thought about adoption to take that first step. When people can follow a real life story of adoption and see how beautiful it can be I think it can be so inspiring. With so many negative messages out there on what adoption looks like I hope to help shine a light on the positive.
I also feel like this statement is such a double standard. It says that adopted children should live by different rules and I just can't agree with that. I have a sweet friend who's son had suffered with numerous ailments and medical problems that she shared through social media to raise awareness, garner prayer support and to give her an outlet and medium to be able to share the struggles and give the updates to all the people who were supporting her son and her family throughout his struggle. Her son was a biological child. Or how about the mother who does fundraisers and walk-a-thons and prayer vigils for her child fighting through a life threatening illness? If they are biological children then it is okay to share these struggles? How about if they have walked through that and are now healed and a strong survivor and you have just connected with this family? Would that mother be wrong to share her child's victory story with you or anyone? I think ultimately those questions have to be answered by the family that is going through it and whether your child is your biological child or adopted child it shouldn't change the way you handle it. I won't pretend to know all the answers or to know who this may or may not affect the child later in life. It is just part of who I am to look at all the positive aspects of sharing those things, though. And since I am the one raising my children I would hope that they grow up to feel much the same way and be proud of the influence that their journey has had on others.
#2 - "NEVER tell people you were meant to be a family":
Okay, so this one may be the one I find the most difficult to swallow. I certainly understand that if you make a statement like that then you do not have a relationship with Christ and so this may be difficult for you to understand or believe. But what I don't understand is how can anyone make that assumption of everyone that has adopted (or have biological children) and tell us that because they themselves do not have faith that we should not either? I read one blog that said "If you were meant to be their parent then why were they not born to you? Why did some other poor woman in China or Korea or Utah have to suffer to make you happy?". It is really sad to me that this is being read by others that may not have any involvement in adoption and that this helps to mold their opinions on it. That they believe adoption comes from a sad, poor suffering start. I have one daughter that is a domestic adoption and I know her birth mother very well and she is not a "poor suffering" woman. She is a very strong, loving and selfless woman that is very proud of her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. She certainly didn't choose adoption for her unborn baby girl so that I could be happy or because she wasn't. God loves my daughter's birth mom just as much as He loves me or my daughter. He knew before any of us, however, that Gabby would be conceived and that her birth mother would be selfless and make the most difficult decision of her life based on the unconditional love she already had for the child growing inside her. God had prepared our family for her arrival before we even knew we wanted or needed her and certainly before we knew we were being prepared! The way she came to our family could ONLY be because of the Lord and I am certain that the other parties that were involved in that union agree wholeheartedly. Ultimately, those of us involved had to make the decision to move forward, but we were listening and God was clearly speaking to each of our hearts. I can not imagine our lives without her and I love her every bit as my mind, body and soul as if she was my biological child. As for our internationally adopted child, I can not speak on the situation that her mother was in. Given the history of baby girls being relinquished in China and knowing what a mother has to go through in order to get them to a place they believe they will be found quickly and cared for I can only assume that our baby girl was very deeply loved by someone who risked much to get her to a better life. I do not know if her birth mother suffered. I do not know if she was poor. None of that even matters. I know that Lily was suffering when she was found and I can only assume that the manner and place in which she was found indicates that someone else felt there was another family out there that would be able to better care for her. I believe with all my heart that God knew we were that family. If our adoption journey had gone the way my husband and I had "planned" it we would have not been given the referral for Lily. In fact, we would have adopted from China before Lily was even born. I am so thankful that God had a plan and helped us realize that plan and brought us the children He intended for our family. We live in a world that is broken and in many ways very sad and messed up. Terrible things happen and while God does not cause those things to happen He does work to help bring about miracles in situations that seem helpless. God knew that our daughters would be our daughters. He knew we would embark on this journey and he knew the path we would all take to bring it all together. I will never apologize for believing that my daughters were meant to be ours and they will hear me tell them all the days of their lives. They are loved by their birth mothers, they are loved by us and they are most certainly loved by God! But this is our families truth - other parents may feel very differently about the way their families were built and that is okay. But please don't tell me to deny what God has done for us and discourage others from believing He is able to do abundantly for them as well.
#3 - "Pretend you are not selfish or pretend to be selfless" :
I truly have a hard time even knowing where to start with this. Since I was a young girl I have felt a desire for adoption deep in my soul. Even when I couldn't know what that would ever actually look like I know that the desire was there. I can honestly say that my decision to adopt a child was not a selfish decision - it was selfless. I say that as humbly as I know how, but also with complete conviction and truth. And I am not saying that I am not selfish in general - I am human. I am much more selfish in almost everything than I want to be, but this decision was NOT a selfish one in any way. When my husband and I began taking the serious steps toward adoption it wasn't because we didn't have children and wanted them. It wasn't to gain something we didn't already have (which is the angle the author that made this statement originally was coming from as she stated that adoption was her only option for children and was why she stated it was a selfish decision.). We already had 3 happy healthy children when we began our adoption process - and believe me that was enough! I never ever want my girls to think that they were adopted out of pity, but I would be remiss to pretend that our hearts didn't go out to the orphans we heard about and learned about through exploring the process of adoption. Our internationally adopted daughter certainly was in a sad and lonely situation in her orphanage. Even though she was as well cared for as possible there she was an orphan and she did not have her own family to love and grow with. I think it would be wrong to deny that is sad and that every child deserves better than that. To deny that she did suffer loss, abandonment, etc. would be telling her that when and if those feelings surface in the future that she should deny them because "look how good your life is now". I think if your driving force behind adoption is to give a child a home then that is not a bad thing. They need people to care and to care enough to want to step in and help them. It is a beautiful selfless thing!
Even before my husband and I really thought much about the life of an orphan we felt God calling us to open our home and our hearts because he was just not done growing our family. We didn't decided selfishly to move toward adoption and completely change up the cushy mid-western life we were living. The risk that having more children could stretch our financial resources, our time resources and that if we were faced with serious medical conditions with a child we adopted that it could really turn not only our world but the children already under our roofs world upside down too. But of course all of those "risks" are true of bio children, too! I wouldn't change a thing now, but there were times when we hesitated and asked if this was really what we should do. We examined our hearts for the reasons we would choose not to do it and for us those were the selfish reasons. That is our truth and it may be very different from the reasons other adoptive parents decided on this course. I suspect there are as many reasons people adopt as their are people adopting.
#4 - "Never talk about your child being adopted - they are your children - period."
So in theory I completely agree with this one, but when reading further into the explanation I found that I have a different opinion than the original author. I would agree that when meeting a "stranger" or someone who you do not yet have a relationship with and especially when in front of your children (for me remember that is 3 bio and 2 adopted) I would never point out who is adopted. Why would you? When you introduce your children to people in a typical setting do you say "they are biological"? Of course, not! I am all about equality among the children....anything that sends the message that an adopted child is to be treated differently is wrong when it's simply based on the fact that they are adopted.
Okay, so now let's say you are hanging out with a mom from your kid's school who's child plays on your kid's basketball team and she asks about your kids names and ages (innocently) and says she doesn't remember you being pregnant 2 years ago, but yet you just said you had a 18 month old (this was a real conversation). For me, I have no problem explaining that my daughter (both daughters) are adopted and I guess I don't go into it thinking someone else will either. I mean, I guess I just don't really worry too much about what someone else might think. I am proud of my girls and I do feel so blessed that they are our daughters. In our family it is something we celebrate and have since day one. I am not pretending that having a birth mother and father out there may someday cause feelings of hurt or at least questions to rise up for my daughters, but it is so important to me to make sure they understand they are no different to our family than if I gave birth to them. No Different. We love them so much and our bond with them is just as amazing as it is with our boys. As a matter of fact I often forget that I did not give birth to them - really. Each girl has a photo book of their past that brings them right into their present and have as many photos and facts in them as I could gather. That is their history and a big part of who they are. It is also a reminder that they are adopted which we look at as just the way God chose to bring them into their family. We hope that both girls can feel proud of their history and who they are and know that they were loved by many people very deeply and that indeed makes them very special. I hope that one day they will be able to share their stories in the way they want to and help bring awareness and education to others that could bring more children home into their families.
#5 - "Adoption is so expensive that most people can't do it"
Since growing our family through adoption, my husband and I have both been contacted literally dozens of times by friends and acquaintances that have interest in adoption. I find it an honor to speak with others about how they can go about adopting. I know that I am supposed to be public about our family and it has allowed others to feel that they can open up to me. In turn I am able to help give them information that can not only make their dreams of adoption come true, but change the life of an orphan forever. Why would I ever want to be quiet about it??!! In addition I try to let people know that there are many ways to adopt and the cost ranges greatly. There are also many ways to help offset those costs through charities, trusts, fundraisers, scholarships, grants, loans, etc. We know one family that had their entire trip to China paid for by one of these charities. I watched another family through a video on YouTube that had raised all the money for a China adoption one step at a time through bake sales, donations from friends, family, the church they attended and "anonymous" gifts. In case you our wondering, that cost is currently about $35,000 give or take a bit. To adopt domestically is typically considerably less at about a third of that and if you are in the foster to adopt program that can be close to nothing out of pocket.
I know there are many ways to make adoption work financially so I pray that others will not let that element alone keep them from going forward. If God brings you to this decision he will help you find a way to fund the effort. I truly believe that. I am not saying that there aren't things that will come up that you will not feel frustrated about throughout the process - let's face it when you get government involved in anything (and imagine 2 governments when you adopt internationally!) you have to expect the unexpected. Just plan for the process to costs you a bit more than you had originally planned and for those nickle and dime things to come up and they won't be so frustrating. I promise that in the end it will be more than worth it and all that won't really matter any way :)
For us it has taken a large part of our savings and more to get both of the girls here in our home. Perhaps we could have used the money for other logical expenses/savings/retirement but this was the path we believe we were supposed to go. What we lack in earthly riches right now we have gained a million times more in family blessings. Our earthly riches fade away, but our family will be our family forever and we are helping to change our world one life at a time. I just couldn't be less concerned about the money and I am thankful that we had it to be able to do this. There is nothing I would have rather done with it! I believe the big key here is prayer and listening to God. If he convicts you to go this route he will show you the way.
Okay, stepping off my soapbox now! Ha! I hope that in writing this I hope I didn't come across as angry or upset. I truly am not, but what I am is passionate. My desire is only to share my opinion on what I consider to be common misconceptions in the adoption world. I truly just want to help encourage others and I hope that what you have read will do just that. I believe this world needs educated on what adoption really is and what it really looks like. I have taught several classes and seminars on the different types of adoption over the last couple of years and I am always amazed by how little truth there is out there and how little people really understand. Most misconceptions fueled by the media and what they imagine or think they know. People are almost always encouraged and amazed when they learn that what they had imagined is just simply not always right.
May you be blessed and if you are considering adoption I pray that God will show you the path and open doors for you all along the way. I promise that even through any hardships and trials along the way, you will hardly believe how blessed you will be in the end!
Love,
Jessy
