Let me start by saying that this post may be a long one! I just feel like I have so much to say and it is all spilling over. I haven't much spare time to blog, but I always have things I want to say (imagine that!;) so I guess I will get out all that I can so I can start filling back up for next time......
What an amazing last couple of weeks it has been! If this process does nothing else (other than give you cramps in your hand from filling out paperwork ;) it certainly awakens emotions in you that you may have only rarely seen or even never seen before at all.
The most prominent emotion for me to this point has been the overwhelming sense of helplessness - not something I do well with. I am a leader and I like to be in control so when I lose that control it can be difficult for me to sit back and let other call the shots. I have begun to realize in recent years though, that when I actually think I am "in control" I am only really kidding myself. God is the only one truly in control and the sooner I yield myself to that truth the better every situation works out for me!
When I was younger and felt that sense (through my parents divorce, etc) and acted out in all sorts of ways to ease the effects. As I got older and realized my methods weren't productive I began to recoil more in "helpless" situations. I wouldn't say it is as extreme as burying my head in the sand, but definitely going about life like nothing is wrong - ignoring the situation really. I guess that was how I learned to cope in extreme situations or extreme disappointments. I think it probably had an adverse effect as anger turned to bitterness and kept me in that pit and darkness even though on the outside things seemed mostly fine. As an adult and after rededicating my life to Christ I have been learning to lean into Him and rely more on prayer than on my own ability to "fix" a situation. God is certainly using this experience to build up my faith and trust in Him. I am not sure how people make it through this without God and prayer - prayer in your private moments to the Lord and from other believers who stand with you in prayer. I know that this process will get more difficult before it is over and I will do much more "leaning" on God and people than I will do burying my head - amazing how God can give us the strength to truly do all things!
In an attempt to understand more about China as a country and the people who make up that vast space on the other side of the world, I have been reading just about a book a week for the last month or so. Many of the stories and situations I read about are disturbing to say the least. While I have truly fallen in love with the women and children of China and the custom and traditions handed down over the generations , my heart absolutely breaks for the hardships and complete disregard for even their basic human rights they must deal with. Infanticide, abandonment, child slavery, prostitution, verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse they endure that most of us have dared not even ever imagine.
I have read numerous stories straight from the women who lived them. The women who were forced to abandon their little girls in order to save them from death at the hands of a husband and family who wanted a son (w/ China's one child policy and men only being allowed to own land and carrying on the families name many families will try over and over until they have a son). As bazaar as it sounds the ones who end up in the orphanages - underfed and largely ignored due to the numbers of children and lack of women to care for them - are actually considered the "lucky ones". For the most part the women that work in these institutions truly care of the babies and want to help them, but the sheer number makes it impossible to save them all. I can't imagine how it would truly make someone feel to be in those places every day tending to the never ending stream of orphans desperately needing your care. How their hearts must break! I imagine that perhaps many of them once had to give up a daughter - or several daughters. Maybe giving their time and love to these innocent and desperate little souls helps to ease the pain of their pasts? The memories of their very own lost daughters that haunt them?
Through their stories I have learned many of the brutal truths of what is like to be a woman in China. How centuries old traditions and beliefs still govern many of the towns and provinces regardless of what communists rule would dictate - albeit not much better. And first hand through my dear friend who was born and raised in China and now lives married and happy in American for nearly 2 years now. She has a very similar story to the ones that I have read from these unknown mothers and daughters in China. A heartbreaking story of her own childhood and the terror that her own mother endured when taken from her own home in the middle of the night to abort the 3rd child she was carrying and didn't secure permission from the government to have.
Just some quick facts for all of you reading so you may be able to understand the magnitude of what I am speaking about:
In 1988 the "one son or two child" policy was enacted. Meaning if you first child was a girl you could try again for a son, but after 2 girls you were not allowed any further attempts. Couple these facts with laws forbidding parents to give up there children for adoption and it becomes clear why women are forced by husbands and families wanting a son to abandon their daughters...or worse. By a natural law there would be roughly the same amount of girls living in any society as boys, but in China in a 1997 report showed that 12% of the populations girls are missing. That translates to about 1.7 million "missing" girls every year! Broad estimates state that China is missing nearly 30 million girls from society in 1997- that is equivalent to the entire population of Mexico City. Today those numbers are estimated to be closer to 70 million "missing" girls from the population. Staggering.....
As I read the stories from the books such as, "Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother", "The Good Women of China", "Silent Tears", "The Lost Daughters of China", Falling Leaves" and "The Strength of Mercy", I am reminded of how important knowledge of this darkness is. Without the knowledge we aren't aware of where our help is needed. As a Christian I feel a great sense of responsibility to pray for the women and children of China. To reach out with whatever resources I can. And of course, not just for the people of China, but for all hurting and suffering souls in this world - many of them right in our own backyard. I do believe that God has directed my sights to be set on China (just as He has put emphasis on other areas or countries for others who would follow His direction for their life). I have just poured myself into this process and have felt God literally holding my hand and guiding my steps the entire way. It is unlike anything I have ever done before in my life. Perhaps I was always just too wrapped up in the worldly things and what I could get out of life (most days I feel like I still am), but lately I have felt the desire to reach beyond myself much stronger. The drive to pass up the things that once filled my life that I know will not bless someone else or glorify God. Maybe God is using this experience to lead me "out of the wilderness" and show me how much bigger His plan is for my life if I will just believe that He is in control, He loves me and He can do amazing things with my life if I will follow the path he lays before me (not always been such an easy thing for me to say or see typed out in black and white).
Anyway, I could write on and on about the miracles God has performed and continues to perform in my life, but perhaps I should incorporate that into another post in the future. I do want to share with you some things that specifically pertain to the ongoing adoption process that we continue to muddle through.
This past week we met with a psychotherapist who in an expert in adoption and has worked with children and families of adoption for the past 30 years. She was incredibly knowledgeable and gave us a condensed version of her lifetime of knowledge in the hour time frame we had with her! Prior to our meeting with her, Derek and I had decided that we would open our hearts and home to a little girl from China ranging in age from 1-3 years old. In addition to that we have decided to adopt off the "Waiting Child Program" (also referred to as "special needs"). The latter in China is quite different from what would typically be consider as such in American. Many of the babies and children on this list have very correctable and minor issues that is just not able to be addressed while they are in China due to the lack of funds and time to spend on the orphans by the government.
After our informative meeting with the doctor I was beginning to feel like God had been directing me toward a younger age group than I had originally intended. During the last couple of weeks I had felt that direction from God during my private prayer time. I had noticed certain "signs" that I felt were also directing me toward the younger children including numerous conversations with friends that kept asking why we wouldn't just want to have one more baby - and my first ever baby girl?
Derek and talked about that meeting with the doctor for 45 minutes in the car outside the office before moving on with our day. We both felt that our little girl was actually a "baby" girl. Even though we had many reasons for believing our daughter should and would be more toddler aged up until this point. Only God knows who our daughter is. He has created her and has a purpose for her and a big step in that process is for her to be brought to the waiting arms of the family she is destined to belong to - our family. Derek, the boys and I pray every day for our daughter and their little sister. Praying peace and protection over her wherever she may be. I have begun to realize that if we take the age limitations off our adoption application then it becomes very possible that she isn't even born yet. God knows her even now and her knows who will carry her and give her life. He knows that the one that carries her in her womb for 9 months will not be able to keep her, but will deliver her safely to a place so that she will be united with us. I wish that I could somehow let the mother whose heart will surely break when she gives up her baby girl, that God has big plans for her. That her ability to love this baby enough to see to it that her fate is not the fate of so many other tiny newborn baby girls is not in vain. That was she has done will have a profound impact on the world in ways that none of us involved can begin to suppose. I hope that some day I am able to adequately express to our little girl what a miracle she truly is and how loved she is. Loved by the mother that will certainly sacrifice for her and by our family who will cherish the God given gift that she is to. And certainly not least of all, how loved she is by the God of all creation.
Let me wrap up by bringing us back to the beginning and title of this post. My mother in law, Jeannie, sent me an email yesterday and told me that during her bible study time the other night she came across this text (in red as it was spoken by Jesus):
"Beware that you don't look down upon a single one of these little children. For I tell you that in heaven their angels have constant access to my Father. And I, the Messiah, came to save the lost."
I can not even type this without tears as it is such a beautiful statement that my precious mother in law made next........ She wrote, "Jean Little interpretation: Your little girl has her own guardian angel who has constant access to the Father saying on her behalf for you: 'Pick me, pick me.' "
Blessed,
Jessy
"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.
Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"
(Matthew 25.35-40 ESV)
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