One Foot in Front of the Other

Wow! It has been so long since I sat down to do an entry and SO much has happened. The last time I sat down to share with all of you was just a couple of weeks after losing my dad. I can't believe he has been gone 4 months.  It still feels like yesterday to me. I try very hard not to act like it feels like yesterday. Luckily life moves so fast that there isn't alot of time for me to sit and "soak" in my despair.  Don't get me wrong, I lived a truly blessed life and I know that. God has given me so much to celebrate and rejoice over, but it is immensely hard to think about my dad and see any of those blessings in that moment. I have said it before and I fear that I will continue to feel this way; a piece of me died with my dad that day. A much bigger piece than I thought a person could lose and continue putting one foot in front of the other.  I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.  I really have to "try" to stay focused on the positive where it pretty much came naturally before. I know that without the Holy Spirit I would be lost - truly lost! you can only lean on people so much. People only have so much to give you before they can't support you any longer. That's what is so amazing about God. He will continue to be your support - always!

Having said all that I would be remiss not to also tell you that I absolutely know what a comfort our beautiful little Gabrielle has been to me through this immense pain and loss. I can't help but to think of  Job 1:21 "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." I am not saying that I believe I lost my dad because we received Gabby, but I know that God's plan is perfect and He knew long before that I would be losing my dad. He knew the effect it would have on me and He also knew the love that I would get and give to Gabrielle (and my boys) would help hold me together. I can't explain how grateful I am that my dad got to spend precious time with my little girl. Those pictures and memories I will treasure always. Though Gabby will not remember him, she will have the knowledge that he loved her and was so proud of her in her short first 6 months of life.  

The holidays were so hard this year, but so spectacular at the same time. We were able to go to Kentucky and spend the weekend before Thanksgiving with my mom and grandma and grandpa before heading to Florida for Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family - the Muses.  There is no where else I would have rather been.  My dad's brother and sister were there, my grandma (his mom), my cousins.....it was incredible!  I have always been pretty close to my dad's little sister, Anita, and I know how much she meant to him so it was extremely comforting to be with her. It really brought me back to how I felt in my childhood with my family.  There was a huge void without my dad there, but there was also this incredible new light and new life in Gabrielle that I think we were all so thankful for. It helped us to all concentrate on her firsts and not my dad's lasts.

Christmas was just as spectacular with our traditional Christmas Eve celebration with my husband's side of the family at our house followed by Christmas day celebrations the next day - also at our house!  For Christmas lunch we had all of my brothers (my full brother, Jason, and our half brothers, Troy, Kyle and Michael) together for the first time ever in the same place for Christmas.  My step-mom and my half brothers mom, Tippy, also joined us. Again the void was huge were my dad would have been, but the love and promise that came from us all being together was breathtaking. How could I not feel like the luckiest girl alive?  Here I am surrounded by this incredible family that my dad provided in life and brought together in his death. Whew......

Christmas dinner brought more joy as Gabrielle's "belly mom", Michelle, and her two children joined us. It is hard - impossible really - to describe what it feels like to be part of such a story unfolding. Where each turn is more epic than the one before.  Here we are sitting in our family room on Christmas day with a brand new family  - our new family - who just the year prior we did not know and couldn't imagine how God would bring us together. We laughed and enjoyed watching Gabby's 1/2 brother and sister open their gifts, enjoyed Christmas dinner together, watched the kids play and just spent time in fellowship with each other. Only God could put this all together. Yes, the last 4 months have been the hardest of my life and I suspect that I will have to continue to work at keeping my head up, but how blessed am I? Really....how blessed??  My brothers are reunited. My daughter's birth mom is a big part of our lives and family. I have the sweetest and most incredible baby girl I can even imagine - seriously! And here I am getting not only to watch, but also be a part of this! My dad's death does not make me not blessed - it makes me look more forward to Heaven than ever. I can not wait to run to my daddy's arms and tell him how much I have missed him!  Until then I will continue to pour myself into all of those wonderful people that God has put into my life and cherish each and every relationship with everything that I have.  

In one month Gabby will be one year old. I can hardly believe it is true, but it is!  She is truly such a light in our lives. My boys just absolutely adore her. The first they ask in the morning when they get up is "where is Gabby?" and the first thing when they get home from school each day is "is Gabby up from her nap?".  I don't think that she could be any more loved. She has blessed our lives immensely and I can promise you that she is one very blessed little girl!  

So shifting gears just a little bit; over Christmas break I got a call from our International Adoption Agency rep to see how things were going since the adoption of our Gabby. Remember that it was this journey that God used to lead us to the adoption of Gabrielle. Not that we would have continued on that path at the time we found about Gabby, but you may remember that China law requires that we wait a mandatory 1 year after adopting Gabby to adopt from China. Next month that mandatory period is over. During this time our file was literally put on "hold" in China. 
Well, I have to tell you that we have not yet made any decisions on the possible continuation of our international adoption journey.  It sounds crazy as I read those words I just typed!  How can I have 4 children ranging from just under 1 y/o to 11 yrs. old and even consider adding a 5th? I mean seriously we downsized our home just before starting this journey and are now busting at the seams. I don't even think we have room for a 7th person in our house!  We have to think about space, moving, time, money....oh,man!  Inside, though, I still feel that tug on my heart for our China daughter. I just don't know what to do. I guess the answer is that I want whatever God wants for my life. I know that if I walk the path he has set before me it will be blessed.  He always has a way of showing us His will. Until then I will continue to just put one foot in front of the other.....

God bless!
Jessy