Our Adoption Journey: Half Chinese: 5 months home

Five months...that is how long we have been home with Lily, TODAY! It is hard to believe it has already been five months but it is also impossible to remember life without her. Our family has gone through so many adjustments since coming home. It certainly hasn't only been difficult on Lily although I dare say I can't truly imagine what this transition has been and continues to be for her.

I do want to be super real in the entry while protecting Lily and our family, of course, but I feel so much responsibility to be a voice that other adoptive parents can hear when they are feeling alone or different from what they thought their situation would look like. I know when we started our journey I poured through adoption blogs, you tube videos of "gotcha days", books, etc. Everything I saw and most everything I read talked about how amazing the entire process was and how the moment they laid eyes on their child it was instant love and bliss (I could almost see them running towards each other in a sea of daisies before embracing and falling together as one big happy family!).

Our reality was so very different than what I had envisioned in my mind and what I knew of everyone else's experience. When we met Liliana she was much more frail than we had anticipated and had more challenges than we had anticipated. She refused to do much of anything the first couple of days with us and that was so scary. I don't think we had given enough thought and allowance for the amount of loss, neglect and disappointment she had already faced in her young life. We were completely unprepared and I believe the same was true for her.
Please don't read that we were upset or disappointed or regretful as none of that was the case. I think we were really just not prepared and felt that some how we were the only adoptive parents that thought this. The feelings that come along with a journey like this both from the family and the children can be unexpected. We couldn't plug our situation into those stories we had followed from others. Our child, our journey, our struggles, our victories weren't going to fit "that" mold. Maybe the mold didn't really fit anyone's because it was made up - maybe we had subconsciously made it up.

I say all of this because if you are reading this now and have just met your new child, or are planning to bring home your child soon maybe you will need this. Or maybe you have been home for a while with your child and you have felt alone in your feelings and needed to know that you aren't. At times I have felt so unprepared, overwhelmed, incapable, unloving, faithless, weak, tired, alone, sad, depressed and undeserving. This has without a doubt been the most trying and relentless 5 months of our lives. With 4 other children and loads of other responsibilities its not as if you can just disappear into a world alone with your newly adopted child (who may very well demand that even if you can't give it) until you both emerge bonded and healed. Man some days I wish I could do just that - at least maybe the disappear part! HA!
But seriously, let me say that it has also been the most incredible 5 months in so many ways. I want to offer to you that if you can relate to any of what I have written or are able to in the future just know that you are NOT alone and it does get better.

I began a bible study last week called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. It just could not have come at a better time for me. I had been struggling a great deal in recent weeks and really needed what God was going to do for me and through me during this study. As I was working on the homework portion of the study I was focusing in on what I really needed to be believing God for and I realized that I was really struggling with believing him for Lily's complete healing. Two months ago she was given a life saving heart procedure and we had begun to see her get stronger, but there were so many areas that just were still not developing. Communication with Lily was very difficult at times (and we even have a Chinese Au Pair!) and although she could clearly fully understand anything told to her in Mandarin or English we could not understand her reactions because she would not speak to us or indicate her needs or wants other than ultimately in break downs and fits of crying. Not knowing what the cause of these were most of the time had started to become very difficult to handle. I had begun to question of things would ever get better.What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I help Lily more? It appeared no one else I knew out there was dealing with this - at least not that they talked about. I worried all the time and had almost stopped praying for God to do anything to help us. I was beginning to feel very isolated and alone - even next to my husband who was and is very supportive and also trying to do his best through this process.

So, as I was saying, through the homework I was able to pinpoint that I really needed to get back to praying for Lily and my entire family as a whole and to really just step up and be the mom and let God be God. It was never my job to heal her (or "us") anyway. I started believing and knowing that God would have His will with Lily and our family and that her wholeness (in whatever state that would be) would bring Him glory and honor and that it would be nothing that I could lay claim to. It was that very weekend (just this past week) that we began to see AMAZING strides in her development! While she is still gaining strength and a bit unsteady on her feet she has begun to do many amazing things physically including climbing steps and playground ladders by herself! She will go outside, climb the ladder up to our play set, walk across the platform to the slide, sit down and slide down by herself. She couldn't even begin to do that just over a week ago. She has also begun trying to jump on the trampoline like her brothers and sister. While her feet don't yet completely leave the ground, her heels and now coming up and she is trying harder and harder every day. It is only a matter of time!

And while we are on the subject of play set equipment I have to point out that when we brought her home she was completely terrified of a baby swing. We would try to put her in them to swing and she would just scream and cry. Then, after a couple of months, we were able to swing her back and forth a few times before she would begin to fuss and want out. Then suddenly she decided that she was all about the swing and it is almost difficult to get her to leave the swings now! She talks and laughs and giggles the entire time praise God!

Trying her hand at Tic-Tac-Toe on the big playset

Some swing set time in the back yard with big brother and sister

There also seems to almost be a changed in her confidence level. It's like a wall has come down and she tries things that she had been unwilling or unable to try before. She has also begun to talk - A LOT. While much of it is just strings of babble she has now started to say things that we say to her in one or two word phrases. And for months she only used the sign for "more" ,but recently has begun using "please" instead of crying to communicate to us that she needs or wants something. It we don't know what it is we can ask her to "show us" and she will lead us to where whatever she may want is. Just this morning Morgan (our Au Pair) and I were playing "tea party" with Lily and not only was she babbling these very long (and serious I might add ;) conversations with us but she began handing us our cups and saying "bay" (Bei) which is Mandarin for cup. Just out of the blue like that! Then moments later we were playing a game where I tell her to "stand up" and "sit down" and we both do the action together (builds her leg and core strength) when she suddenly she began saying "STAND UP" and "SIT"! And if I didn't stand quickly enough she was pushing on my bottom with her hand and laughing...did I ever mention how funny she is? Well, she is hilarious!

Hanging out at mommy's feet while I cook dinner.

My girls!

And then there are her chiropractic visits which we try to see to every week to two weeks. Lily would always cry and be very nervous when we would go to see the doctor. Dr. Crisci was ever patient and persistent in winning her trust - God love him! This past week she was all smiles and even tried to carry on a conversation with the good doctor (between you and me I think it made his week! ;)

She has also started to become genuinely affectionate with us. In the past she would hug us or lay her head on our shoulders and even offered kisses from time to time, but they seemed hollow somehow. Like she was preforming or would only lean on you when she needed you (fiercely independent this one! :) especially when in public and she wanted your security. I mean I know that we are her family and I believe she does love us and is bonded to us, but she just didn't have a desire to be affectionate really or show us. I suspect she has been learning how by watching us as just since this weekend that too has changed. She was reaching for me or Derek or Gabby and hugging us just to show affection (we are still working on the unsolicited kisses!).

My sweet sweet girl

Freshly painted nails!

Forever friends

Sweet sisterly kisses

Writing this update out today has brought on many tears for me. Joyful tears and tears full of sorrow, and sadness and even shame. So much has happened in 5 months and I know so much more is in the very near future. I hope from the very deepest part of my soul that what I have written will help other parents that may be struggling with the reality of toddler adoption and what they may have envisioned or dreamed of....even if your struggles or those of your adoptive toddler have not been as great as what maybe we have experienced.

Whatever the circumstances or outcome of bringing your child home, just know that you are not alone in your struggles or your successes and it is worth it. Every.Single.Minute.Will.Be.Worth.It.......Because THEY are worth it!
And if you are reading this and want someone to talk to about your struggles please do not hesitate to contact me via email. I would be happy to talk with you, pray with you or just listen. Being able to talk to someone else who has been there (is still there!) and won't judge can be a sanity saver. We should all be in this together....it truly does take a village. It was always meant to be that way :)

Before I close down my computer I want to say that our life has been enriched in so many ways since bringing Lily home. Our boys love her so much and she loves them right back. Her sister is also her best friend and who she follows tirelessly in everything she does all day every day! Our house is filled with such laughter and joy much more than it is filled with anything else and it is because of these 5 incredible kids who all offer exactly what they are meant to bring to our beautiful family. And for me it is a total dream come true to be able to watch my two daughters play together every day and see the relationship and bond that is growing between them. And to see my boys to be as sweet and loving to their little sisters as they are. For them to say things like 8 y/o Parker did the other day when he asked if his sister, Lily, could come celebrate Chinese New Year with his class at school "since she is half Chinese"? Oh, God love that boy and how he sees things so pure and beautiful and perfectly uncomplicated. How an 8 year old can understand that adoption doesn't erase or change who you are, but means you are now part of something bigger than you were before. Now she is no longer just Lily, but she is part of a bigger whole that makes up the Tye family. He sees it so simply. She doesn't lose who she is, but has been grafted into something new. Lily will continue to grow and thrive in the love and support of her family. And we will each continue to grow and thrive because of what this journey has and will continue to teach us.

God Bless and thank you for reading!
Jessy