"You were made for such a time as this."

Esther is a well known heroine of the Bible was an orphan who was adopted and raised by her uncle before becoming a Queen, wife of King Xerxes, of Persia. The story of how Esther became the queen is well known to me, as is the often heard quote "but for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). It was when my mother in law, Jeannie, referred to me as an "Esther" and quoted the above mentioned to me in reference to my life and the events that are unfolding that I humbly wanted to go back to the Book of Esther and read it again. I wanted to meditate pray fully on the verses, the story, God's living word. Jeannie is a true woman of God - in the truest sense of the word. When you get something like this from her you listen! I mean me - how did she see anything in me or my life that could be likened to Esther of the Bible?

As I studied the story from a new perspective, several things jumped out at me. First, I started to realize that Esther, like most of us, shrunk away from what she did not see as desirable or that might cause her discomfort (or really in Esther's case, death). As Mordecai taught her to pray for what God wanted for her and not what she wanted for herself, God's word is speaking directly to us. I know that most often I will pray for what I want and not what God would have for me and/or my family. I mean I will usually add "if it's your will, God", but the turth is (and He knows it's in my heart!) that I want him to not actually listen to that part. Especially when I know what I want/need and I think I have figured out how it could or should happen. I am more less saying, "okay, God, I have this one figured out all on my own in all my infinite wisdom so if you could just bless this and see that MY will be done then everything will be good." Kind of sounds ridiculous when I type it out in black and white!

Another thing I am certain God wants to point out to those of us reading the story of faithful Esther, is that God will put us in positions and places to be used by him and for his purpose. I also know that we have freewill and often, even at God's urging (whether known or unknown to us) we will simply not follow through as he intends. When that happens he will simply find another person or that opportunity will be lost or something of consequence that God did want for us can happen in our lives. I am sure that there have been many many things that I have not accomplished that God had set out before me, but I know that there are many that I have.

The interesting thing is that as I mediated on God's word through the story of Esther I was reminded that the first adoption agency we contacted to pursue our Chinese adoption we were turned away from. That's right, we were denied using their services. Not only was my pride hurt, but I was heartbroken! After reviewing our file I got a phone call (while in Kroger’s) in which they broke the news to me. We had just filled out the preliminary paperwork and were waiting on them telling us that we were good to move forward. After I hung up with the very sorry and apologetic girl from the agency I stood there just stunned. I was shocked and hurt. Sadness completely swept over me standing there in the bread aisle. I do not know what I must have looked like to other shoppers, but I assume at the least they must have noticed the color drain from my face and the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

I immediately called Derek as I walked away from my cart and out of the store. I really don't even remember my walk back out to my car. It's amazing I didn't get flatten crossing the parking lot - my local Kroger is one busy place!!
By the time I got to the car I was crying..... body shaking sobs. After all our conversations, our prayers, our confirmations that moving forward with adoption was the right thing for us, I couldn't believe this hit. Notice I didn't begin praying for God's direction or even confident that this was God's work and that he had actually closed this door, but I rather I was distraught, upset and felt defeated. Wow, how I can get so caught up in my moments and my "stuff" that I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders - shoulders that were never meant to bear the weight. It is a recipe for disaster.

Well, of course, we decided that this could NOT be God's will for us and that we would contact the other agency we had been speaking with and see if they had the same reservations. My spirit was lifted as I hung up the phone with that agency and we were encouraged that they would love to get our file started right away. I took this as a sign that God had just wanted us to use this agency for whatever reason and moved forward. Fast forward almost a full year later and we had flown through the international adoption process, approvals were secured and were now waiting on a referral for our daughter from China. Within days of wrapping all of this up I was contacted by a friend of a friend with news of the birth of who was to be my daughter. It wasn't like God didn't know this 10 months earlier and he was now scrambling to get a family set up for this little girl. He knew before she was ever conceived who's family she would be part of. So why then did Derek and I do so much work, invest so much money and spend so much time to adopt a little girl from China that was stopped in its tracks? Well, I don't know. Yep, I said it. I hope that I will someday understand what this process has been all about. Am I to still pursue our daughter in China? Am I to pursue ministry work to these precious children? Maybe, all we did was simply to open the door for someone else who would have never considered such an opportunity before? Again, I do not know....I may never know.

 Unlike when I started this process I now understand that I am not infinite and all knowing (as much as I often try to convince my family that I am! ;). I am not living out my life, but the life God wants for me if I will only take it and follow his direction. That life is interestingly enough not all about ME, but rather what God can use me for to achieve his purpose and plan. Like Esther, I am made for such a time as this, and so is anyone else that would give their life to Jesus and be willing to live for his purpose and not their own. At times I am frightened, disappointed and hurt - often actually. No one should ever make you believe that walking out what God has for you will be easy - it's not! I can promise you that it will be so worth it though and that the joy and blessings you will receive along the way will be so much greater and so much more than you could ever come up with on your own (or even with the help of others!).

"For if you remain silent now, then relief and deliverance will come to the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. Who knows if you haven't come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

God's plan will come to light even if you are unable or unwilling to participate, but if you will listen for his voice and follow where he wants you to go he can and will use you to further his kingdom here on earth. Why should that really matter? How many people do you want to lead to Christ? I want people to know a love like I know. A plan for their life that isn't in vain. I want to live out what God has called me for - what I am made for!

Here I am living out this blessed life now with a daughter added to my precious family. A daughter that brought with her a relationship with her "belly mom" (as my friend's daughter referred to Auntie M - the "birth mom"), with her half brother and half sister, her grandmother and all the incredible journeys that are to come with all of this. My entire family has been forever affected by this. I know that God loves us and he loves our new family from our "belly mom", as well. He brought us together.

This is a moment that I was made for! I know there are many more to come even and that is beyond exciting. I mean how could it get better than this? But for God......

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5,6

Long overdue.....

Well, it has been almost 3 months since I have enter a new blog entry and that is entirely too long!  So much happens around here every single day. I need to get it all out on paper or I will lose track and forget some of the incredible events that make up our lives.

I would like to go back to a few days after I wrote my last blog (which was entered on March 29, 2012) and talk a little bit about the month of April....okay, well really it is pretty much going to just be about Easter weekend. 
One of the most amazing events of that month was most certainly our celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. It was an entire weekend celebration, really.  Starting with an incredible Good Friday Service at our church Friday evening.  Of course after having the miraculous events of the past couple months happen to our family sort of changes your perspective on nearly everything happening in your life.  Everything suddenly has new meaning and importance that you maybe didn't notice before.  Good Friday has always been an incredibly significant day for our family and the celebration of our faith and our God. This year the emotions were almost impossible to contain.  As I held my 6 week old baby girl and sang praises to my Lord I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the love that God has for me....for us.  I was overwhelmed by the realization that we are all adopted into the family of God.  That God has such a heart for all of his children - so much so that he gave us Jesus that we might all accept him and be saved. As a mother, the reality of Jesus' death certainly hit harder than it had before motherhood, but now even another dimension had been added as a mother of an adopted child. Here I am holding this precious little life in my arms that did not come from my flesh or my husband's flesh yet she could not be any more mine. She could not be any more a part of us than she is.  The love that we feel for her is no different than the love that we feel for our sons.....flesh of our flesh. There is nothing that she had to do to "earn that love" or please us enough for us to love her.  She doesn't have to be "good enough" or "perfect enough". We accepted her and loved her before we had ever met her....before we had seen even so much as a picture of her. We loved her before I could touch her or even hear her heartbeat. It really gives you a new perspective on how God could feel what he feels for us. It is possible to love like this because of God's love inside of you.  Our God is so good!

 All who believe are adopted as children of God:
"But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God." ~ John 1:12
“In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace.”  ~ Ephesians 1:5

On Saturday the weekend festivities continued with an Easter Egg hunt and kid's celebration at our church (another first, as is everything for Gabby!).  My brother, Jason, and his family joined us. Watching my boys and my nephews, Tyler and Nathan, run around, dance and sing as our children's church leaders sang praise and worship songs was so joyful.  Gabby had at least 15-20 pint sized visitors come over to greet her while all the festivities were happening.  Many of the children in the church are just crazy about her. They are drawn to her like I have never seen them drawn to any other baby.  It makes you wonder if the innocence of children is able to make it easier for them to recognize something that often as adults we pass by.  The pure miracle that was all God's plan to bring her into the life she knows now and to be part of our family - she is a Tye!

I think as adults we get so caught up in making sure that we have everything "just so"....buttoned up and in the box so it is nice and neat and looks pulled together.  We shy away from anything that might make us too uncomfortable or uneasy. Or anything that society might look at and think it odd or too different to work. Kids don't worry about those perceptions or about being messy!  They approach life with such excitement and interest, throwing caution to the wind - ha!
Adoption probably falls into that category for many of us....messy. It just has too many unknowns, too many things can go wrong.  What if the child doesn't like us? What if they resent being adopted?  What if our friends and family have an issue with us having another child in our family? Will we have enough room?  Enough money? Enough love? What if she has health problems? Can we take care of her? What if we have issues with her birth mom? The birth mom's family? What if the biological father shows up? What if our boys don't like having a sister? What if she is treated "different" her whole life because she is adopted? What if, what if, what if!
I am in the middle of an incredible bible study right now by Jennifer Rothschild and the chapter we are in right now is taking about just that the "what ifs". Are your thoughts full of God's promises and wonders per his Word or are they full of worry and "what-ifs"? Worry chokes out the life giving truth that God wants us to fill out thoughts with every day. If we aren't able to concentrate on his truth and promises it is very hard to move forward into what God has for us.   We need to be abel to move forward!
 I know that the hesitations that Derek and I had were often many of these. In truth, some of these we are or have experienced through this process. Adoption is messy. It doesn't fit into a box and it certainly doesn't come with instructions. It is the most beautiful mess I have ever seen, though! We just try to feel our way forward every single day and every single day God meets us.  Every time I look at our baby girl I am reminded of what a miracle she is! Her life, her story, everything surrounding her.....it is just incomprehensible.

So finishing up our Easter weekend we went to Sunday's church service at Rivertree as a family with my mother in law, Jeannie, and then we all went out to Easter brunch.  After brunch we headed home to rest a little from the events of the last few days.  Being on the go is very "normal" for our family, as always seem to have so many events packed into every weekend (well every day really).  The rest of this Easter Sunday we had planned to spend quietly at out house with our boys and new baby girl.  Shortly after arriving home I got a message from Gabby's birth mom that said, "Happy first Easter Gabby! Happy Easter to the family...love you guys."  After asking "Auntie M" (this is how she has chosen to be known to Gabby, although Gabby will know that she is her birth mom) how her day had been and if she was enjoying her family time we realized that she was having a terrible day. 
I felt that immediate tugging on my heart - the one that God does when he is wanting me to do something....typically something uncomfortable or at the very least something that makes my day more "messy". 
Within a few minutes I texted her back to see if she would like to come over for an Easter dinner with us.  I actually hadn't planned one, but knew that we would have to eat at some point after our lazy around time so I figured that it wouldn't be that hard to set another spot. Besides it was hard to deny that this was what God wanted to happen.  This would be the first time Auntie M had seen Gabrielle since the permanent surrender dinner back on Feb. 22. 
I was nervous about how it would go really.  Would this be salt in a wound for her?  Would she see our house and our family in our "real world" at home and think she had made a big mistake. We had been built up pretty high by a mutual friend (at least that's how I felt) and God bless her heart, but I felt like I couldn't be and wasn't all those things she described. Auntie M had never been to our house before and here she is coming over in less than an hour!  Wow, anxiety started to mount as I let the doubts and negative thoughts creep in. The "what-ifs" were piling up and I was becoming fearful of how things were going to go. Ah, so that is why God says not to let those thoughts fill your mind?!
About an hour later Auntie M arrived at our front door.  There were a few awkward minutes while we all got adjusted to being around each other again. How do you define these roles anyway?  Man, it would be nice if there was an instruction manual sometimes!  I am the mom, but she is "the" mom, too. Derek is the dad, but clearly he is not "the" dad.  How do we all fit in this new family that we have?  How about my boys? They are Gabby's brothers and so proud of it, but what about her young 2 year old son.  He is also Gabby's brother.
Since this was the first time we had seen each other in over a month, she came alone. Not bringing her 3 y/o daughter or 2 y/o son.  I cooked dinner while Derek, the boys, Gabby and Auntie M played outside - it was a gorgeous day!  Everything actually went very smoothly.  I would peak outside and they were laughing, tossing ball with the dog, the kids were playing.  It seemed almost normal....what is "normal" anyway?!  I don't think that would be a term to describe our family any longer - if it ever was!

Dinner went well. Auntie M enjoyed everything I had made and, as usual, we joked that I had introduced her to many new foods and flavors - I am a bit of a self proclaimed "foodie".  After dinner we made our way into the family room and relaxed on the couch talking and taking the occasional picture (for Gabby's scrap book that I WILL be working on eventually).  It was a really good time. We talked about the events and effects of the last 6 or 8 weeks and how we were all adjusting.  We laughed and even almost cried a little.  At around 10:00pm we wrapped up the evening and M went home. 

It was a very emotional day from sun up to sun down (we have been having alot of those recently!) and it was also amazing!  I know that to say that I don't really know how to put it into words sounds really silly - after all I AM writing about it!  I just don't have the right words to express the emotion that is associated with this experience as a whole. Everything is new. Even the emotions are on a level that I am not sure I have experienced before. 
I mean take the birth of Gabrielle for instance. Of course I know the emotions associated with having a baby - I have given birth to 3 of them - but to watch my baby being born from another woman is immensely different.  Here is my baby (and trust me I felt like that from the first doctor's appointment and seeing her little image on that ultrasound screen) being born not of my body, but yet I feel the same connection to her that I did my babies that were born of my body.  When she cried my heart lept out of my chest in the same way.  When the doctor laid her on her mom's belly, though it wasn't my belly. It was her birth mom's belly, M's belly.  That fact was a fact that would always be with our family. I was crying for me, I was crying for her and I was crying for our baby girl, I was crying for my husband, I was crying for the overwhelming joy I couldn't contain.....whew, that is alot of crying!

Right now I am certain of only one thing and that is that I am totally in love with our little girl and that all of us that have any part in her life only want the best for her - that is why we are all here, together. It is all about her.  With God's grace and mercy we will get through this and even more than get through this - we will live this wonderful miraculous life out together. We have all gained so much in this adoption. It really is true - love is what it is all about. We have leaned on God heavily over the past several months in a way we maybe never have before. Trusting him to show us the way and open the doors that needed to be opened while closing the ones that were not right for us. Always with faith in His plan, hope for our future and knowing that God's love in us would be enough for what we were going to do.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." ~1 Corinthians 13:13