"You were made for such a time as this."

Esther is a well known heroine of the Bible was an orphan who was adopted and raised by her uncle before becoming a Queen, wife of King Xerxes, of Persia. The story of how Esther became the queen is well known to me, as is the often heard quote "but for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). It was when my mother in law, Jeannie, referred to me as an "Esther" and quoted the above mentioned to me in reference to my life and the events that are unfolding that I humbly wanted to go back to the Book of Esther and read it again. I wanted to meditate pray fully on the verses, the story, God's living word. Jeannie is a true woman of God - in the truest sense of the word. When you get something like this from her you listen! I mean me - how did she see anything in me or my life that could be likened to Esther of the Bible?

As I studied the story from a new perspective, several things jumped out at me. First, I started to realize that Esther, like most of us, shrunk away from what she did not see as desirable or that might cause her discomfort (or really in Esther's case, death). As Mordecai taught her to pray for what God wanted for her and not what she wanted for herself, God's word is speaking directly to us. I know that most often I will pray for what I want and not what God would have for me and/or my family. I mean I will usually add "if it's your will, God", but the turth is (and He knows it's in my heart!) that I want him to not actually listen to that part. Especially when I know what I want/need and I think I have figured out how it could or should happen. I am more less saying, "okay, God, I have this one figured out all on my own in all my infinite wisdom so if you could just bless this and see that MY will be done then everything will be good." Kind of sounds ridiculous when I type it out in black and white!

Another thing I am certain God wants to point out to those of us reading the story of faithful Esther, is that God will put us in positions and places to be used by him and for his purpose. I also know that we have freewill and often, even at God's urging (whether known or unknown to us) we will simply not follow through as he intends. When that happens he will simply find another person or that opportunity will be lost or something of consequence that God did want for us can happen in our lives. I am sure that there have been many many things that I have not accomplished that God had set out before me, but I know that there are many that I have.

The interesting thing is that as I mediated on God's word through the story of Esther I was reminded that the first adoption agency we contacted to pursue our Chinese adoption we were turned away from. That's right, we were denied using their services. Not only was my pride hurt, but I was heartbroken! After reviewing our file I got a phone call (while in Kroger’s) in which they broke the news to me. We had just filled out the preliminary paperwork and were waiting on them telling us that we were good to move forward. After I hung up with the very sorry and apologetic girl from the agency I stood there just stunned. I was shocked and hurt. Sadness completely swept over me standing there in the bread aisle. I do not know what I must have looked like to other shoppers, but I assume at the least they must have noticed the color drain from my face and the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

I immediately called Derek as I walked away from my cart and out of the store. I really don't even remember my walk back out to my car. It's amazing I didn't get flatten crossing the parking lot - my local Kroger is one busy place!!
By the time I got to the car I was crying..... body shaking sobs. After all our conversations, our prayers, our confirmations that moving forward with adoption was the right thing for us, I couldn't believe this hit. Notice I didn't begin praying for God's direction or even confident that this was God's work and that he had actually closed this door, but I rather I was distraught, upset and felt defeated. Wow, how I can get so caught up in my moments and my "stuff" that I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders - shoulders that were never meant to bear the weight. It is a recipe for disaster.

Well, of course, we decided that this could NOT be God's will for us and that we would contact the other agency we had been speaking with and see if they had the same reservations. My spirit was lifted as I hung up the phone with that agency and we were encouraged that they would love to get our file started right away. I took this as a sign that God had just wanted us to use this agency for whatever reason and moved forward. Fast forward almost a full year later and we had flown through the international adoption process, approvals were secured and were now waiting on a referral for our daughter from China. Within days of wrapping all of this up I was contacted by a friend of a friend with news of the birth of who was to be my daughter. It wasn't like God didn't know this 10 months earlier and he was now scrambling to get a family set up for this little girl. He knew before she was ever conceived who's family she would be part of. So why then did Derek and I do so much work, invest so much money and spend so much time to adopt a little girl from China that was stopped in its tracks? Well, I don't know. Yep, I said it. I hope that I will someday understand what this process has been all about. Am I to still pursue our daughter in China? Am I to pursue ministry work to these precious children? Maybe, all we did was simply to open the door for someone else who would have never considered such an opportunity before? Again, I do not know....I may never know.

 Unlike when I started this process I now understand that I am not infinite and all knowing (as much as I often try to convince my family that I am! ;). I am not living out my life, but the life God wants for me if I will only take it and follow his direction. That life is interestingly enough not all about ME, but rather what God can use me for to achieve his purpose and plan. Like Esther, I am made for such a time as this, and so is anyone else that would give their life to Jesus and be willing to live for his purpose and not their own. At times I am frightened, disappointed and hurt - often actually. No one should ever make you believe that walking out what God has for you will be easy - it's not! I can promise you that it will be so worth it though and that the joy and blessings you will receive along the way will be so much greater and so much more than you could ever come up with on your own (or even with the help of others!).

"For if you remain silent now, then relief and deliverance will come to the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. Who knows if you haven't come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

God's plan will come to light even if you are unable or unwilling to participate, but if you will listen for his voice and follow where he wants you to go he can and will use you to further his kingdom here on earth. Why should that really matter? How many people do you want to lead to Christ? I want people to know a love like I know. A plan for their life that isn't in vain. I want to live out what God has called me for - what I am made for!

Here I am living out this blessed life now with a daughter added to my precious family. A daughter that brought with her a relationship with her "belly mom" (as my friend's daughter referred to Auntie M - the "birth mom"), with her half brother and half sister, her grandmother and all the incredible journeys that are to come with all of this. My entire family has been forever affected by this. I know that God loves us and he loves our new family from our "belly mom", as well. He brought us together.

This is a moment that I was made for! I know there are many more to come even and that is beyond exciting. I mean how could it get better than this? But for God......

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5,6