Well, it has been almost 3 months since I have enter a new blog entry and that is entirely too long! So much happens around here every single day. I need to get it all out on paper or I will lose track and forget some of the incredible events that make up our lives.
I would like to go back to a few days after I wrote my last blog (which was entered on March 29, 2012) and talk a little bit about the month of April....okay, well really it is pretty much going to just be about Easter weekend.
One of the most amazing events of that month was most certainly our celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. It was an entire weekend celebration, really. Starting with an incredible Good Friday Service at our church Friday evening. Of course after having the miraculous events of the past couple months happen to our family sort of changes your perspective on nearly everything happening in your life. Everything suddenly has new meaning and importance that you maybe didn't notice before. Good Friday has always been an incredibly significant day for our family and the celebration of our faith and our God. This year the emotions were almost impossible to contain. As I held my 6 week old baby girl and sang praises to my Lord I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the love that God has for me....for us. I was overwhelmed by the realization that we are all adopted into the family of God. That God has such a heart for all of his children - so much so that he gave us Jesus that we might all accept him and be saved. As a mother, the reality of Jesus' death certainly hit harder than it had before motherhood, but now even another dimension had been added as a mother of an adopted child. Here I am holding this precious little life in my arms that did not come from my flesh or my husband's flesh yet she could not be any more mine. She could not be any more a part of us than she is. The love that we feel for her is no different than the love that we feel for our sons.....flesh of our flesh. There is nothing that she had to do to "earn that love" or please us enough for us to love her. She doesn't have to be "good enough" or "perfect enough". We accepted her and loved her before we had ever met her....before we had seen even so much as a picture of her. We loved her before I could touch her or even hear her heartbeat. It really gives you a new perspective on how God could feel what he feels for us. It is possible to love like this because of God's love inside of you. Our God is so good!
All who believe are adopted as children of God:
"But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God." ~ John 1:12
“In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace.” ~ Ephesians 1:5
On Saturday the weekend festivities continued with an Easter Egg hunt and kid's celebration at our church (another first, as is everything for Gabby!). My brother, Jason, and his family joined us. Watching my boys and my nephews, Tyler and Nathan, run around, dance and sing as our children's church leaders sang praise and worship songs was so joyful. Gabby had at least 15-20 pint sized visitors come over to greet her while all the festivities were happening. Many of the children in the church are just crazy about her. They are drawn to her like I have never seen them drawn to any other baby. It makes you wonder if the innocence of children is able to make it easier for them to recognize something that often as adults we pass by. The pure miracle that was all God's plan to bring her into the life she knows now and to be part of our family - she is a Tye!
I think as adults we get so caught up in making sure that we have everything "just so"....buttoned up and in the box so it is nice and neat and looks pulled together. We shy away from anything that might make us too uncomfortable or uneasy. Or anything that society might look at and think it odd or too different to work. Kids don't worry about those perceptions or about being messy! They approach life with such excitement and interest, throwing caution to the wind - ha!
Adoption probably falls into that category for many of us....messy. It just has too many unknowns, too many things can go wrong. What if the child doesn't like us? What if they resent being adopted? What if our friends and family have an issue with us having another child in our family? Will we have enough room? Enough money? Enough love? What if she has health problems? Can we take care of her? What if we have issues with her birth mom? The birth mom's family? What if the biological father shows up? What if our boys don't like having a sister? What if she is treated "different" her whole life because she is adopted? What if, what if, what if!
I am in the middle of an incredible bible study right now by Jennifer Rothschild and the chapter we are in right now is taking about just that the "what ifs". Are your thoughts full of God's promises and wonders per his Word or are they full of worry and "what-ifs"? Worry chokes out the life giving truth that God wants us to fill out thoughts with every day. If we aren't able to concentrate on his truth and promises it is very hard to move forward into what God has for us. We need to be abel to move forward!
I know that the hesitations that Derek and I had were often many of these. In truth, some of these we are or have experienced through this process. Adoption is messy. It doesn't fit into a box and it certainly doesn't come with instructions. It is the most beautiful mess I have ever seen, though! We just try to feel our way forward every single day and every single day God meets us. Every time I look at our baby girl I am reminded of what a miracle she is! Her life, her story, everything surrounding her.....it is just incomprehensible.
So finishing up our Easter weekend we went to Sunday's church service at Rivertree as a family with my mother in law, Jeannie, and then we all went out to Easter brunch. After brunch we headed home to rest a little from the events of the last few days. Being on the go is very "normal" for our family, as always seem to have so many events packed into every weekend (well every day really). The rest of this Easter Sunday we had planned to spend quietly at out house with our boys and new baby girl. Shortly after arriving home I got a message from Gabby's birth mom that said, "Happy first Easter Gabby! Happy Easter to the family...love you guys." After asking "Auntie M" (this is how she has chosen to be known to Gabby, although Gabby will know that she is her birth mom) how her day had been and if she was enjoying her family time we realized that she was having a terrible day.
I felt that immediate tugging on my heart - the one that God does when he is wanting me to do something....typically something uncomfortable or at the very least something that makes my day more "messy".
Within a few minutes I texted her back to see if she would like to come over for an Easter dinner with us. I actually hadn't planned one, but knew that we would have to eat at some point after our lazy around time so I figured that it wouldn't be that hard to set another spot. Besides it was hard to deny that this was what God wanted to happen. This would be the first time Auntie M had seen Gabrielle since the permanent surrender dinner back on Feb. 22.
I was nervous about how it would go really. Would this be salt in a wound for her? Would she see our house and our family in our "real world" at home and think she had made a big mistake. We had been built up pretty high by a mutual friend (at least that's how I felt) and God bless her heart, but I felt like I couldn't be and wasn't all those things she described. Auntie M had never been to our house before and here she is coming over in less than an hour! Wow, anxiety started to mount as I let the doubts and negative thoughts creep in. The "what-ifs" were piling up and I was becoming fearful of how things were going to go. Ah, so that is why God says not to let those thoughts fill your mind?!
About an hour later Auntie M arrived at our front door. There were a few awkward minutes while we all got adjusted to being around each other again. How do you define these roles anyway? Man, it would be nice if there was an instruction manual sometimes! I am the mom, but she is "the" mom, too. Derek is the dad, but clearly he is not "the" dad. How do we all fit in this new family that we have? How about my boys? They are Gabby's brothers and so proud of it, but what about her young 2 year old son. He is also Gabby's brother.
Since this was the first time we had seen each other in over a month, she came alone. Not bringing her 3 y/o daughter or 2 y/o son. I cooked dinner while Derek, the boys, Gabby and Auntie M played outside - it was a gorgeous day! Everything actually went very smoothly. I would peak outside and they were laughing, tossing ball with the dog, the kids were playing. It seemed almost normal....what is "normal" anyway?! I don't think that would be a term to describe our family any longer - if it ever was!
Dinner went well. Auntie M enjoyed everything I had made and, as usual, we joked that I had introduced her to many new foods and flavors - I am a bit of a self proclaimed "foodie". After dinner we made our way into the family room and relaxed on the couch talking and taking the occasional picture (for Gabby's scrap book that I WILL be working on eventually). It was a really good time. We talked about the events and effects of the last 6 or 8 weeks and how we were all adjusting. We laughed and even almost cried a little. At around 10:00pm we wrapped up the evening and M went home.
It was a very emotional day from sun up to sun down (we have been having alot of those recently!) and it was also amazing! I know that to say that I don't really know how to put it into words sounds really silly - after all I AM writing about it! I just don't have the right words to express the emotion that is associated with this experience as a whole. Everything is new. Even the emotions are on a level that I am not sure I have experienced before.
I mean take the birth of Gabrielle for instance. Of course I know the emotions associated with having a baby - I have given birth to 3 of them - but to watch my baby being born from another woman is immensely different. Here is my baby (and trust me I felt like that from the first doctor's appointment and seeing her little image on that ultrasound screen) being born not of my body, but yet I feel the same connection to her that I did my babies that were born of my body. When she cried my heart lept out of my chest in the same way. When the doctor laid her on her mom's belly, though it wasn't my belly. It was her birth mom's belly, M's belly. That fact was a fact that would always be with our family. I was crying for me, I was crying for her and I was crying for our baby girl, I was crying for my husband, I was crying for the overwhelming joy I couldn't contain.....whew, that is alot of crying!
Right now I am certain of only one thing and that is that I am totally in love with our little girl and that all of us that have any part in her life only want the best for her - that is why we are all here, together. It is all about her. With God's grace and mercy we will get through this and even more than get through this - we will live this wonderful miraculous life out together. We have all gained so much in this adoption. It really is true - love is what it is all about. We have leaned on God heavily over the past several months in a way we maybe never have before. Trusting him to show us the way and open the doors that needed to be opened while closing the ones that were not right for us. Always with faith in His plan, hope for our future and knowing that God's love in us would be enough for what we were going to do.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." ~1 Corinthians 13:13
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