It as a very bumpy time period to say the least. Things went from bad to worse and Monday was the lowest of lows I had been at during this entire 3+ year long process. I learned that the package the USCIS Hague officer had been waiting on in order to approve us had been inadvertently sent to the wrong office at a different USCIS location in another STATE!! I was devastated and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I did a lot of crying - sobbing really! - and praying Monday and yesterday and 5:10pm I had happy tears streaming down my face as I held the phone to my hear and the USCIS officer, Mariah, told me that the new package we had to overnight yesterday had arrived safely in her hands. And the incredible words we have been waiting to hear from her, "you are approved"!! Well "provisionally"anyway......
While this was what we have been waiting for over the last several weeks now the moment was bitter sweet. I cried....of course I cried! Happy tears mostly, but also tears of emotional exhaustion. I told Derek it felt much like it felt when I completed my first 1/2 marathon last year. The process was something I wanted to do, I had signed up for and new wasn't going to be easy, but I don't think I knew just how mentally and emotionally exhausting it would be on top of the physical pain and exhaustion. Once I crossed that finish line I felt such a sense of relief but it was quickly overcome by the sheer weight of everything that I had been "carrying" up until that finish.
I recognize that I should not feel this way about Lily's adoption. I should not be exhausted because I should be leaning into God through this and relying on His strength and not my own. After all this was His plan and He will see us through it. But for some reason I can't explain I just keep trying to take back control and take care of everything which is of course impossible and I know is the reason I feel so completely exhausted. When I rely on myself to "fix" everything it truly never works out - at least not for long.
So I am still working on letting go and "letting God" but it is a struggle for me. I would so appreciate prayers to help me with this. I could really use some peace and some rest and I know that He can give that to me if I will just accept it.
I really need to be putting my energy into loving and praying for Lily and not into worry and defeat. Lily is the one that is truly suffering and has endured heartache and suffering already in her young life that most of us will never (thankfully) understand.
So in my attempt to concentrate on positive things that we can do to move forward we took our oldest son, Montana ("Tanner") to apply for his Passport yesterday. We should have that back in about 3 weeks - yay! What an exciting thing for us to be able to do together. We are just so excited to be able to take him with us to get Lily and he is so excited about going.
So next steps really just involve a bunch more forms and officials desks and waiting as our immigration paperwork files through NVC (National Visa Center) so that we can forward everything to CCCWA and get our travel approval from them to come get our daughter! We should be about a month away from getting that approval as long as we don't run into any more "hiccups". Please continue to pray with us and claim our belief that the rest of this process will run smoothly and we will be bringing Lily home very very soon!
"When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."
--Jen Hatmaker
With Love,
Jessica & family
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