***Warning: This is a very long post!!***
Even as I type this the reality of this past week is still sinking in. It feels foggy....like when you wake up from a dream and aren't sure if it was really a dream or memories. Where the details are fuzzy and entire pieces of the events are missing entirely. Well, thank God, this is not a dream, but rather a dream come true!On Tuesday morning I dropped my daughter off at preschool and went about a very full day of meetings and appointments. I was at my final appointment of the day (a doctor's appt) when my phone rang. I knew it was our adoption agency, but I didn't answer knowing I couldn't talk while waiting on the doctor. As soon as I left his office I ran to my car and listened to the message they had left. Chris, from the agency, left no clues but asked that I call her back as soon as I got this message. After about an hour of phone tag we finally connected! Her first words were, "Are you sitting down?"......I think I almost shrieked, "NO - I am standing in the middle of Kroger's!" And it was right there that I learned they believed they had found our little girl. She was part of their "One to One" program with their partner orphanage and had been matched with us! I am sure I was quite the sight. I wanted to walk out of the store, but truly my legs just wouldn't work....or at least my brain wouldn't work to tell my legs to start walking toward the door. I stood there in the produce section with tears streaming down my cheeks and a smile on my face. I must of said, "praise you Lord, thank you Jesus" like 10 times before I was able to begin asking Chris all the questions about our "referral" that were building in my mind. I didn't notice any of the people around me in that moment, but I can imagine I was getting some pretty odd looks! :)
After a few minutes on the phone with Chris I made my way out of the store and to my car where I just prayed and cried. As soon as I could compose myself I called my husband, Derek. We were both so excited yet so many questions still remained. Since we are on China's "special needs" list we knew that the child we were match with would have medical needs, but we weren't sure what they would be. The good news was that we at least made it to the stage of getting the file/referral which was further than we had ever made it before. That at least meant that the agency felt her file matched our qualifications and if we were to accept China would approve the adoption. But wait, I am jumping way ahead of myself!
Chris had told me that she would email me the file in both Chinese and English and that I needed to contact Cincinnati Children's International Adoption Center right away and let them know that both were also being forwarded to Dr. Mary Staat so that she could begin going over them with any specialists that she needed before going over everything with us. I had to go pick up Gabby from preschool so I drove there checking my email at every stop light. By the time I pulled into the school parking lot and checked my phone I saw that the file had come in! I sat there and opened it up so excited to see a picture of the little girl that could be my daughter....the one we have waited for now for 3 years! As the first file loaded I got a glimpse of a tiny black and white photo embedded in the report. All of the writing was Chinese characters so I had no idea what it said, but at least I had a glimpse of the little girl.
I had looked forward to this day for so long. I have imagined that as soon as I saw our daughter I would know it. That I would instantly fall in love with the child in the photos, but that didn't happen. I stared into her eyes (well, what I could see of them through this faded picture through a PDF on my phone!) and I didn't instantly feel connected or in love. I didn't really know what I felt. Looking back I think I felt kind of numb. The forlorn little face of a little girl who I was told is roughly the same age as my vivacious, robust, full cheeked little firecracker of a daughter, Gabby. This little black and white picture didn't show any of the two year old characteristics I found in Gabrielle, but rather sunken cheeks, a sullen expression and roughly cut short cropped hair. And she looked so tiny....I didn't have anything else in the picture to reference, but I would have guessed her to be about 1 year old had I not been given her DOB. My heart certainly went out to her and I certainly felt pity and knew I wanted to help her, but I can't say that I felt a "connection" as my daughter and that hurt. I had read that other adoptive mothers felt that instantly upon looking at the picture of their child for the first time. Why wasn't this happening for me?! I was confused and scared.....maybe this isn't my daughter, I thought. If it was to be then certainly God would have already prepared my heart for her. Maybe I shouldn't get excited and get my hopes up. Maybe I wasn't connecting because the Lord was trying to protect me from certain heartache if she ends up not being "the one".
As I looked at her picture I cried. I was just so overwhelmed I didn't know what else to do. Was this my daughter? Has God finally sent her to us? When would I connect with her Lord....would I connect with her?
I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't know the answers to these questions. I laid my phone down, collected myself and went in to get my daughter from school. I needed some time to clear my head and try to digest what was happening.
When I walked in to get Gabby and picked her up she immediately reached for the necklace I was wearing (pictured below) and said, "Lily - nana" (pronouncing Liliana was difficult to say the least for Gabby, but her version is oh so cute ;)! I had told her often before that I was wearing this necklace in Lily's honor. I had actually forgotten that I had even put it on that morning, though until Gabby noticed it. I reached up touched the necklace and confirmed to Gabby that, yes, that was for Liliana. In that moment a real peace came over me and I know that was God tell me to take a deep breath and trust Him...it would be at least until the next day before I would listen to that, however....sigh.
Over the next few hours I had to try and continue on as normal as possible. We had ball practices and meetings and kid's homework, we cooked and ate dinner and told the kids about the referral of Zhu Ting Na and then I left to head to Bible study. At bible study I felt the Lord speak to me several different ways and it was so reassuring to be there among all the women who I knew loved and cared for me and had been on this journey with me as we waited on Lily over the last 3 years. After my 2+ hours there I certainly felt more excited and at peace with the process although I was beyond exhausted both mentally and emotionally.
When I got home I was finally able to sit with Derek and digest everything a little bit. We had to get through Wednesday and then we would have a meeting with Children's IAC to discuss Lily's medical diagnosis, what treatment options there were and if collectively we decided that we were a match.
I woke up Wednesday morning with a real peace that surpassed all understanding! Wednesday morning at work the girls and I prayed before our day started and each one of them spoke works of encouragement and agreement over our family and Lily/Zhu Ting Na. Again, I felt a peace wash over me and almost as if I could FEEL God's smile while we prayed. By this point I knew without a doubt that Lily was our daughter and I knew that no matter what we discussed with the specialists at Children's that next morning it was all going to be just fine.
And it was! On Thursday morning our conference with the IAC went well and while we were told that at a minimum her heart condition is life threatening we were also told it is very correctable. Since she was born prematurely and has signs of some other potential issues and struggles there may be other things we will need to tackle, but the best news was that our agency and the doctor's agreed that they believed she would do well with us! They did discuss attempting to get some additional scans and tests run to determine exactly what all we would need to prepare for upon bringing her home, but we knew regardless of if we got those or not from the medical staff in China or even what they said, we were all in - this is our daughter! All that was left for us to do was to sign the documents and write the letter called a LOI (Letter of Intent) to CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs) stating that we wished to adopt Zhu Ting Na and how we will care for her and whatever she might need. What an incredible feeling it is to make that statement on behalf of this precious little girl.
I am also overjoyed to say that now when I look at that same black and white photo copy that accompanied her medical paperwork from her orphanage, I see a beautiful little child that is longing for love and a family and I know that family she is longing for is ours! I do feel a connection to her and when I think back to all the months I have been praying for this little girl in China I see her face. We are the family that God has set aside for her. He has a plan for her life and I am so thankful that He has so lovingly put it all together.
Now begins the wait for us to be able to travel to bring her home. There is still much paperwork and appointments with government authorities (both for the US and China) that must be done before this can happen. We will spend the next few months chasing that all down and waiting for our LOA (Letter of Approval) from CCAA. This is the last step before China issues us an TA (Travel Authorization) and an Embassy Appointment. At that time we will travel to China and stay for 2 weeks where at the end of that time we will bring our baby girl home with us to stay! We are praying that time gets here sooner than later, of course, and while no one can tell us for sure when that date will be, the indications are that it should be sometime by the end of the summer or beginning of fall.
Thank you so much for all the prayers and the continued support of our family. I have received many calls, texts, etc. from people to congratulate us since finding Lily and let us know that they are continuing to pray for us. I can't tell you how much that means to us. To say that this process has been (and continues to be) difficult is an understatement. Having the support of so many friends and family has been such a blessing and there are many days that it is one of these messages of encouragement that helps to get us through those specifically tough days. God always seems to nudge someone to give us a word of encouragement just when we need it! :)
Of course, I will continue to update everyone as we get through the next few months and beyond. God is good and I am certain there will be so much to share with you as we continue down the path that he has set our feet upon!
I hope to be able to share photos of her soon, as well. Keep an eye out for those!!
In the meantime, here is one from her medical file taken just about a month ago...file says she is "playing with a toy on the table" - what a sweet little peanut!
Psalm 68:5-6
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
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