Everything can change....in the blink of an eye.

Well I know I have said this before, but this has been an unbelievable 2-3 weeks.  There have been so many ups and downs that it is hard to figure out which way is "right side up" right now. Let me start by saying that I have never experienced pain before like I have during this time.  It has threatened to completely suck the life right out of my body....seriously. It has only been through the love and support of our friends and family (many of you reading this!) and God's grace that I have been able to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  I really needed to sit down and write this blog - to get out all that I have been wanting to say I have't been able to. I think that I may finally be able to do it and I hope that perhaps through this someone else may read my testimony and be comforted in something that they are going through right now.

We started out on top of a mountain just a couple of weeks ago - as happy and high as we could be! 3 Saturdays ago as we were preparing to watch the 2nd oldest of my younger brothers get married.  My entire family was so happy. My dad would be there lighting the unity candles, my oldest son was going to be ring bearer, 2 of my other brothers were groomsmen and we were just all so happy for Troy and his new wife (who we all love and adore!). 

The wedding was beautiful....tons of family pictures taken, there was lots of celebrating at the reception with everyone dancing and laughing and enjoying each other.  I was reunited with my step mom's (Troy's mom) family who I hadn't seen in years. It was so nice to see them again and catch up a little bit. I enjoyed seeing Tippy again and talking to her - I hadn't seen her in a few years. She had been married to my dad most of my childhood years and although they had divorced many years ago it was great to see them coming together and having such a great time at such a joyous event. 
Of course, I got to introduce my children to everyone. The boys and Gabby were a hit and baby Gabby was just such a good girl through the whole day and all the events.  We got to sit at a table with my dad, his new fiance, my brothers and Derek and our children.  It was truly a great day!

On Monday Derek began moving all of our real estate business to ReMax United Associates in Montgomery. He had spoken with our Keller Williams office and let them know that we felt it would be best to make a move to ReMax. Our team and business has been growing so much (Praise God!) and we were ready to move closer to home with our team and have a large office space solely for our team. We were growing our business again and things were really looking up. It was a hectic time as he had to move all 66 listings from our old brokerage over to our new ReMax office. We were hiring 2 new buyer's agents and looking for a new admin to help assist our agents. During this time the leads just kept pouring in from our personal websites and now we were also getting ReMax leads that needed to be handled. It seemed like overnight someone had turned up the volume button!  While it was exciting and we were so thankful for the blessings (and the confirmation that this was a great move for us!) we were having a hard time transitioning our team and handling all the new leads that were flooding in while taking care of all our existing business.  Poor Derek was working all day and most nights to stay on top of everything, but he was doing a great job.

Meanwhile, I went about the task of putting together invites and an invite list for Gabby's "Adoption Day"!  Just a little more than a week away and we would be finalizing our precious baby girl's place in the Tye family - woohoo!!  A couple of days later, on Wednesday afternoon, I went to pick up her finished invitations.  Derek and I sat down together that afternoon and came up with the list of everyone that we should invite and try to squeeze into that little court room :)  Our course the grandma's and grandpa's, aunt and uncles, cousins, close friends.  We laughed about if the court room could actually hold all of us.  One thing we knew is that Gabby was loved and so supported - this would be quite a celebration! Life was going so well and we were so excited to share in this blessing with everyone who could possibly want to witness it!!

Later that night I received a phone call that would change everything - not just with the planning of Gabby's adoption day or the transition of our business, but our entire lives. There had been an accident and my dad was being rushed to the hospital.  The officer that called me Wednesday evening at 10pm advised that I drop everything and get to the hospital immediately.  Such dread I had never felt before.  I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing so fast that I literally would lose my breath. Derek ran next door and had a neighbor come sit at the house as all the kids were sleeping. My mother in law would be on her way to relieve them shortly.
We just couldn't get there fast enough, but we did everything we could to get out of the house as fast as possible.  He had been taken to a hospital across town and by the time we got there it was too late. My dad, who I had just been celebrating such a happy time with and who was young (56 y/o)and in good health, was gone.  It was in the blink of an eye - just like that.  I really couldn't believe it.  I heard the doctor and the nurse. I heard Derek but I couldn't believe them.....really I didn't believe them. My heart wouldn't accept it. I couldn't see him so I slipped further into denial that this could possibly be real. I kept praying to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Unfortunately I never woke up......

After contacting my younger brothers we all met up at Troy's house with my step mom, Tippy, to try and help support each other and sort through what had happened. How was it possible that our dad was gone?  None of us could believe it.  To complicate it there is no determined "cause of death" and we were told it could be months before we would know while we waited on a coroner's findings. To say this wasn't "fair" really didn't begin to touch on how we felt.  I had never really imagined losing a parent, but certainly never under such circumstances as these. How do you pick all the pieces up and move forward when you don't even know what the pieces are?

Over the next several days I had to lean heavily on Derek to make phone calls and help plan the final arrangements regarding my dad.  He spoke to anyone who called with concerns or condolences - I couldn't.  He talked to the hospital and funeral home - I couldn't. He helped to co-ordinate everything with my family so that they could make plans to come up from Florida for the funeral.  I tried to busy myself by getting ready for the funeral with the music selections, picture boards and even making a dvd of my dad.  It was incredibly difficult to get through those, but it helped me feel closer to my dad even though I couldn't touch him or talk to him. 

During this time we received such an outpouring of love from our friends and family.  Derek would talk to people several times a day that he would then relay their kind words and condolences to me. I received letter and cards in the mail with personal stories and messages of hope and love...several every day.  I would read those and pray and try to commit the words to memory to draw on when it got hard to breath again.  And all the meals that arrived nearly every night for the next week. Without them I don't know if my children would have had any nutritional food to eat.  The friends that came by and took the boys for outings and overnights the first few days to help them get through their grief. My mom and my mother-in-law that literally dropped what they were doing and stayed with us for the next week just to help us get through each day.
Derek would check my facebook account and read me messages that friends were leaving.  When I was able to start reading them myself I would sit with tears streaming down my face as I read dozens of private messages and dozens of wall posts. They were filled with such sincere sympathy and love that I just didn't know how to respond.  All I wanted was for my dad to be alive and for all this to go away. Reading these messages of love and friendship and compassion helped me so much more than I can ever relate back to those that provided them. I truly didn't know how much people really cared.  Even as I have sat here today typing out this blog my mail has come in and I opened one card from a very close friend of my dad with money and a note that they wanted to help us with any expenses that we may have incurred to date.  How can you not cry when you receive something like that?  This from a person that I know is in tremendous pain at the loss of my father. Someone who in spite of all they are going through and dealing with in regards to their own loss is reaching out in the most practical way they know how - no strings attached.  How blessed was my dad to have these people in his life and how blessed am I that he put them in mine?

In today's mail I also opened a letter from our adoption attorney. It is the final stamped decree of Gabrielle's adoption. Such an incredible blessing  and it is dated the day after we laid my father, her grandfather, to rest.  Probably needless to say, with the events that happened Derek and I never finished our invitation list, never addressed a single invitation and never mailed anything out as we had planned to.  There was too much pain to be able to concentrate on the immeasurable joy that came with us adopting our baby girl. I couldn't help, but think about how my dad wasn't going to be there and he would never be able to watch her grow up.  He adored Gabby.  He loved to hold her and she was his granddaughter without a doubt from the first moment he laid eyes on her. I am sad that Gabby will never know my daddy or be able to spend time dancing in his arms like he did with me 30+ years ago when I was a "daddy's little girl".  And I KNOW that he would have danced with her.......

I am thankful for my precious mother in law, Jeannie, that did come with us to witness Gabby's adoption hearing. And Derek's cousin, Bryan, and his family.  His girl's nanny for us during the week and have really gotten to know Gabby as well as anyone. It was incredible that they took time out of their days to come and support us and love on her! Even though we didn't get to invite all our friends and family, God brought us some support - he knew just what we needed - he always does.

Today was going to be my return to my job as a client educator (counselor) at PregnancyCare of Cincinnati.  I left the house this morning for my 10-4 shift, but I during my drive there I was feeling very overwhelmed and "panicky".  My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was feeling so anxious. I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually counsel anyone for a while, but I thought I could at least be there and be helpful in other ways.  I truly wanted to be there. As I walked in and started talking to the director it was obvious that I had pushed myself a little too fast.  I had been attending Tanner's football games, working on my yearbook projects at the boy's school, going to bible study, etc. this week so I didn't think that this would be any different. I thought it would actually (like the other things I mentioned) be a good distraction for me. Boy was I wrong.
All I can figure is that our work there is just so intense and emotional that while it is my heart and I absolutely know that it is what I am called to do there just isn't enough of me to give right now. God knows that even if I am in denial. My soul was not well with things and my Heavenly Father knows that better than anyone.  He knew that my desire to do this work could not win over my ability right now. My director, as well as everyone else in the office, took time to pray with me and for me and to let me know that they want me to take the time that I need - however long that may be - to grieve and rest. To get through the many tough days and weeks that are ahead and we begin to work on settling my dad's estate.
I just can not say enough about this incredible place. PregnancyCare of Cincinnati and everyone that works there are amazing.  I don't mean they are amazing when it feels good to be or when things are going well, but amazing when you can't help them and amazing when they have to pick up your slack. It's not that I expected they wouldn't be this way, but I was amazed at the level of love and compassion and understanding I saw from them today.  They are truly in the ministry and about doing God's work and letting Christ shine through them every day and in every way.  I am so blessed to be a part of this organization and so thankful! 
While I was there it was also brought to my attention that at least one donation had been made to PregnancyCare in my dad's name.  Though I had known about the donation already, it reminded me of how much that meant to our organization.  I am so grateful that I went in this morning. Even if I was sent back home it wasn't before being covered in love and prayers and being reminded that my dad really has left behind a legacy that will continue to show up and help many people in many ways.Like he wrote in the letters that I found addressed to his children, "Our actions and deeds can influence and change things, but every human being on this earth was meant to be here for some reason.  I know my children are here to do something and to enrich the lives of many...." Thank you Lord for all that you provide!

I need to bring this post to an end. If anyone made it this far I am sure that you are also looking for it to wrap up! 
I want to end with this: My dad is gone from our lives - for now. The pain of this heartbreak for me is truly so much more than I thought a person would be able to endure in this life. But through the pain and heartbreak God has shown me so many victories and blessings. Relationships with my dad's family and children have been restored and we all continue to grow closer. My baby girl was made officially a Tye and will live to carry on my dad's legacy just as his 4 boys, me and all of our children and future children will. I was able to find letters that my dad wrote to his children that assures me that he knew Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior and is in Heaven excited for the day we will all be reunited.  We had that one last weekend of pure joy and happiness with my dad just before he left this world. One where he was happy and healthy and truly excited about everything happening in his life including the blessings of his children and grandchildren.  And so much more........

I know that life goes on,  and even when I want it to just all stop while I try to pull myself and my life back together somehow, I know I can't. I am not the first person to lose a father and my children are not the first children to lose a beloved grandpa - they have actually been through this once before.   Somehow everyone figures out a way to go on.  I do know that one very important thing I will take from this experience is knowing how to love someone in a way that will truly matter to them....especially in their time of need. I have seen and felt so much love and compassion through this experience. While I do not wish this on anyone I don't think that there is an other way I could have learned this lesson. It certainly took some measure of immense loss like this to show me (and perhaps others) how to love like Christ loved others. And how little our time here on earth really is. How important how we spend each and every day and love each and every person we know, regardless of the good and bad times, is.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and from my entire family to each and every one of you. Whether you posted a message, sent a card, provided a meal, sent a letter, showed up to offer condolences at my dad's funeral, sent flowers or prayed on our behalf - each and every little thing has been such a blessing to us. I pray each one of you and yours be blessed! I will continue to take each day as it comes and I pray that someday soon I am able to get back to the me that I knew before I lost my dad.  Much of my joy is gone, but I am trusting that God will help me get that back with the continued support of each of you and my incredible husband and children who I am forever grateful for.

"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ."  Galatians 6:2

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you…” John 15:12

Happy Adoption Day!!!

Gabby is 6 months old! I can't believe it was 6 months ago that we were standing in that hospital room waiting on her to make her entrance into this world. I can remember all the excitement, anticipation, the nerves.....now here we are and I just can't remember what life was like without her. She is such a joy to our lives. She just looks like love......

With the 6 month birthday also comes the date we have had lingering in the back of our minds since the day we found out about this precious little girl - the "finalization date". This is the day that the state of Ohio will "finalize" our adoption of Gabrielle and our names will go on her birth certificate as her parents. It is what many adoptive parents call the "adoption day" and is a very celebrated day - obviously! :) Gabby has been part of our family from the moment I held her in my arms just seconds after she was born. I was so blessed to be able to have that experience. But this day will be the day that makes it all final - the day that seals her as a Tye forever. We only have a few more days to wait and we will enjoy our adoption day! While this is more of a legal formality than anything, it is still very very meaningful to our family and for our baby girl.

Last Sunday Auntie M (Gabby's birth mom) attended church with us again. She has been 4 or 5 times now. It is always so nice to have her there. I just feel the spirit moving around her - us. I have never been such a direct part of such an amazing thing in my life. To not only witness the miracle and such a life changing event, but to actually be a living breathing part of it. It often leaves me in such awe of God and his infinite wisdom. As I sit there with her it's like I can feel God's arms wrapping around her....like when you are sitting next to someone and a person comes up behind the person next to you and wraps their arms around their shoulders for a hug. I literally feel that same feeling - it's that same presence. I believe that God just wants her to know how loved she is and how much he knows and loves her. Loves her despite anything that may make her feel as if she is not worthy or good enough to be loved by God or anyone else. She is no different than me or anyone else sitting in our church or any church to God. He loves her so much and wants her to feel it, to know it.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”

There is nothing I want more than for Gabrielle to know her Auntie M in a positive way. For her to know that she is very much a part of her forever family and that she is so loved. I never want Gabby to feel as if she was "given up", but that rather she was blessed and is a blessing. I want Gabby to know her half brother and sister and have a positive relationship with them. Could there be any better gift to give your child, but to have them grow up loving unconditionally and understanding that they are loved unconditionally. She didn't have to do anything to be loved by our family. Our family didn't have to do anything to be loved by her.

As a matter of fact, the addition of Gabby to our family has really shown a supernatural love in the flesh to all of our children. The boys have not just talked about the addition of a baby sister, but are now living it. They see how we are integrating our family and Gabby's birth family and they have to make adjustments and open their hearts to these new people that they never knew before. It is amazing how they are so accepting of Gabby's half siblings (who we refer to as "cousins"). The entire process of adding Gabby to our family has been such an incredible blessing to us... beyond the obvious one of adding this incredibly sweet and precious little girl to our home and hearts!

This entire experience has been such unknown territory. We have no idea how we are "supposed” to do this while adoption thing. We rely 100% on God to lead the way and all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and hope that we are on the right path. I have no doubt that we will stumble and trip up along the way, but I know that God will steady us and lead us on so there is no fear only excitement for what the future holds!

Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”

There have been relationships restored, new friendships made, moves into new ministries and a new closeness in our home and family. As is God's way. When he works a miracle he has plans that we can't begin to imagine or realize. He looks beyond the immediate impacts that we see. I am certain that the miracle of Gabby and the way she has come to our family will be a blessing to many many people and situations that we may never know.

"Whom shall I send?"

A few years ago Derek and I were working with another couple at our church who had a vision for an outreach to inner city children. The outreach involved the kids coming out to a "farm" to explore what life was like outside of the concrete jungle. To show them the beautiful world that God had made, to love them, minister to them and give them a day experiencing things that they probably never had before. At the time we had 21 acres, a lake, horses, goats, a lamb, a pony and the desire to be used by God to help reach these children.

Our friends, J and Michelle, organized the entire event with the pastors of the Over the Rhine ministry, Prince of Peace church/Living Water Ministry, Johann & Grace and Paul & Joanna. These are wonderful Christian leaders that Derek and I had met previously while serving at the annual "Block Party" that takes place each July in OTR on the grounds of the church. Once J and Michelle had everything worked out all we really had to do was open up our property. The day of the event we had about 20 kids and some parents from OTR, members of Living Water and numerous volunteers from our church, Rivertree, to assist with the event. We did guided walks through the trails we had set up in our woods (16 acres of trails through deep woods), fed everyone, fished in the lake, learned about the animals and everyone got to take horseback rides. It was an amazing day! I was able to witness everyone having so much fun and knowing that all of the families of the people represented there that day were being touched by the hand of God. We were part of something so much bigger than all of us. I knew that our property and home was being used as I should be using any blessings I had been given. When we built our home and property there 5 years earlier I had never imagined using it to bless others like in the scale that we were able to use it that day. We built it to be a family estate originally.....something we thought we would pass down to our children. We built our "dream home", but without ever giving thought to what the "dream" was. I think it was the turning point for me and realized I wanted to use all I had to truly bless others. I began wishing that I had built a much smaller house and had instead built bunk houses on the property so we could do a longer more extensive ministry to the inner city residents (not that we would have been able to do that there really - we had built in an equestrian community that had regulations I am sure wouldn't have allowed that, but the idea was right!). It certainly changed my perspective on how to use the resources we had.

While we wanted to do another event like this it was not to be. Shortly after this event it became apparent that we would have to get serious about selling our home. The serious down turn in the economy and our enormous loss of income from our real estate business made it essential. While it was sad to move on from what had once been a dream home to us and now I was seeing for the true blessing it could be to so many others, my heart was forever changed and I knew that I wanted to be involved in serving a larger base of people. Perhaps that was how God chose to use this time in our lives to change us and our focus. I wanted to sew my resources (if I were to ever get enough to sew again! :) into the lives of people. At this time I mainly thought of all the children and young people that had come to that outreach. God was not done with me.....he was still showing me what I had yet to completely discover about my own heart and the desires he was cultivating in my life.
It was not long after that I had begun to feel God once again directing me to serve the people of OTR. This time I was certain that he wanted me to do a cooking class. I know, go ahead, chuckle - I did! I began the normal internal dialect with God explaining to him why this was a silly idea and who was I to teach something like that and how and where would I even do it?! In typical God fashion he gave me pretty clear instructions eliminating a number of my excuses and delays.

I started by calling Grace Kim at Living Water Ministry and asked her if this would be something that I could do for the ladies in the area. She confirmed what God had instructed me to do by telling me that they had wanted to offer something like this, but weren't sure how to do it or who would do it! Well, there you have it....God wanted me to go there and so I did.

The first afternoon that I showed up to "teach" the cooking class we had 6 ladies there from the Over the Rhine area. I had purchased all the groceries to go along with the meal and placed them in individual grocery bags for the ladies. The idea was that I would teach them how to make the meal, we would eat it together and then they could take the groceries that were provided for them home and make it for their families. It gave us time to fellowship, pray and enjoy each other's company. That was such a powerful night! After the success of this class our plan was to offer this "class" every month. However, that was the last class I ever gave. When I showed up for the next month's class no one else did. Grace and I waited and prayed and I taught Grace how to cook the meal I had planned to prepare that afternoon (what a precious godly woman she is!) and then I left. It was hard to take at first. I felt like a failure. I thought if I had done something different, something better, then maybe the women would have come back out again. I replayed the last class over and over in my head. Had I done something wrong? Said something wrong? I asked God why he thought I could do this? Why did I think I could do this? Maybe this had never been God’s idea at all.

I began to feel silly for even believing God would choose me to do something like this. I am insecure and broken in so many areas of my life, I thought.  It is amazing how you can talk yourself right out of being able to do anything that would allow you to be a blessing to others! And how the enemy will work on those insecurities and build entire thought mountains around them.  Oh how he loves to stop us from doing what he knows God has called us to!

Accepting God’s direction that I should then instruct a “cooking class” to a group of strangers had been a real act of faith for me. I have been trying for years to overcome extreme shyness/insecurity and I'll bet if you asked most people they would describe me as outgoing and gregarious. The truth is that is who I try to be - it is who I want to be and who I feel I need to be. I guess if you practice something long enough it can become easier and easier until it almost becomes who you are.....almost. The rest I leave up to God. I have prayed for confidence for years. I have tried to tell myself over and over whom I am to God and that I am not my past, my failures or hurts. Maybe this too is something that God has been able to use to serve others that may appear to be more broken from the outside. Maybe he can really use me to help reach them because my insides don't look that much different. The only difference is that Jesus has patched mine all back up just like he can do for them. It certainly can help me relate, that I know for sure!

Even so I still felt like I just wasn't ready to be really used by God. How could he use someone like me to minister to other women? Well, he would - I just needed some more refinement perhaps and all in his perfect timing.

Only now am I able to see how and why God was preparing my heart and mind for what he would have me to do now. Over the course of the last several years he has been working at refining my heart and molding me into the person that he could use for His ministry. I was not ready then....I don’t know that I am 100% ready now, but I know now what I didn't know then. I know that even though there was never to be a 2nd cooking class to the women in OTR I know that it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason they came to the first one either. It was never about how "cleaned up" my life was. It had nothing to do with my plans or expectations. I was being used - used by God to facilitate HIS plans and what he wanted to accomplish there. I believe that he was working on me to prepare me for the greater plan he has for my life and probably working on the heart(s) of others that were there that night – that part I may never know. I wouldn't be ready to be used until I could be humble enough to realize it wasn't about what I could do or what I didn't do. It was all about what God would do...I just had to be the willing vessel.

2 Cor 4:7 reveals: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

Well, willing is certainly what I am!  Here it is several years later and I am now doing volunteer work at the Pregnancy Care center of Cincinnati. This is what they mean when they say if you do what you love then you will not be working at all! It is a Christ centered ministry that works to educate and assist young pregnant women that they may ultimately choose life for their child. In addition they are ministered to so that they won’t go out of this center as the same person they were when they came in. Hopefully they will go out into the world as a new creation in Christ. In my position as a Client Educator I will be able to work with women that are pregnant (or fearing they may be pregnant) and minister to them.

2 Cor 5:17 “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

I know that this is what God had been preparing me for! It all came together for me when God put me directly in the path of a former director of the center who told me all about this woman focused ministry. God brought clearly to my mind my experiences with Living Water ministry, the OTR outreaches, cooking classes, my desire to work in some capacity in the general field of adoption, etc. I had felt that my goal was to "save the babies" and while that is certainly what I want that is not where it starts. Even when I didn't realize it my desire had been to serve and love and minister to women all along. My past allows me to identify with women that are broken and hurting. It will enable me to understand how it will feel for them to hear that God loves them right where they are and that he truly has a plan and an unconditional love not only for them, but also for their unborn child. He was preparing me all these years to show that to these women so that they, too, might understand and learn how to love themselves and the precious lives that they were now carrying. It is the Holy Spirit that can show them a new way of life and help them to live the life that God would have for them, too.
This is what God has been refining my heart and life for. I would not be able to accomplish any of this successfully on my own accord. If I had only had successes in my past I would possibly still be thinking how accomplished I am and how ready I am to do whatever God needs. God uses broken people to reach the broken. If I thought I had all the answers then I would probably think that I can teach people what they need to know - pushing my desires for their life on them. “I know God and I know the Bible and surely that means I can tell others what they don't know, right? How they can do and be better - like me.” That sure sounds prideful to me .....and quite familiar when I look at who I probably was more like just a few short years ago! It's not that I set out to be that way - I don't think any of us really do, but it is what will happen if we don't check ourselves and our pride at the door. We have to be willing to be used and know that it is not because of how "good" we are. It is because of how good He is!
That is what God had to change in my heart (or at least part of what he worked on changing! :). I had to learn to put the needs of others ahead of my own desires. To see others as Jesus sees them and be willing to serve them regardless of what I get or don't get out of a situation. Regardless of  if I feel like I am appreciated or needed by them. Like when no one shows up....I have to know that it is not about me. I have to want God to use me to fulfill His purpose and then show up when he says to. He will do the rest! Sometimes I may feel like things aren't working or I failed in doing what he needed done, but I have to remember to humble myself again and know that God can do things in spite of what I may or may not do right. I am willing and I will love those he wants to know that they are loved and that is all he asks of us.

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?" And I said, "Here I am. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

To think that on this journey I was blessed with my beautiful baby girl! She really doesn't get any more “believable”, but rather more “unbelievable” every day. I still look at her and just swell with emotion. I am truly unworthy, but I am thankful and honored that I am her mom.  She is a true gift from God and a constant reminder of His grace, mercy and plan for my life….as are all three of my boys. No matter how they came to us, our children are gifts from God!

My involvement in this ministry is brand new and I am sure that it will also prove to show me constant reminders of His grace and mercy and the need to continue to look to Him for guidance. "Saving babies" is what I desire to do while being part of this ministry at the Pregnancy Care Center, but my first objective is the one God has laid on my heart. It is to love the women that he will put in my path. It is to allow Him to work through me as I minister and counsel the women I will meet. It is to show them the love of Christ so that they may ultimately know Jesus as I do and begin to see and understand what path God has laid out for them and the lives. Not only will these women have a profound effect on the lives of their families for future generations, but what I am embarking on will also have profound effects on my family for future generations. God is so good and I am so excited to see where He will lead us next!

Never be this young again....

As many of you may know from my previous posts I am behind by a few "events" in my blogs. You may imagine that the last 4 months have been gloriously busy here at the Tye household (and yes, that would be an understatement :)!

In April, we celebrated Easter (which you were able to read about all the incredible details of that in a previous post) and we also took our first family vacation with Gabby. At just 2 months old she traveled by car with us to my cousin's wedding in Tampa, Florida. It was such a nice trip. Gabby was a joy and our travel went very well. It was wonderful to introduce her to my Dad's side of the family. My grandma, Aunt, Uncle and cousin all live in Tampa. We, once again, were able to have 4 generations of girls together. My grandma really enjoyed holding Gabby and we were able to spend 2 days visiting with her while we were there. It was truly a beautiful experience for me and one I will cherish always.

Of course, the first time you take a baby to the beach is always a big deal (and not just because the sand gets in everything - including the clean diapers that are in the bag!)....no it was more than that. Derek often says, "The kids will never been as young as they are right now - not ever again". It is usually his way of telling me not to get all wound up about something they are doing or want to do, but to just let them be the kids they are meant to be. Of course, there are the moments he says it when we are sitting back and watching something that they are getting so much joy from even when we can't understand why it is so exciting to them. Such wisdom in that quote, really. He is right, of course, and I thought of that often quoted phrase as I watched the boys building forts on the beach with the army men strategically placed throughout the sand. I thought about it as I watched Gabby sprawled out in her little "baby beach tent" sleeping away without a care in the world. I thought about it as I looked at my husband lounging in his beach chair with his feet on the sand while the water lapped up to our toes. I began to realize that the kids weren't the only ones that would "never be this young again - ever". We also would never be here again. I didn't think of it in a sad way, though. I thought of it in the context of how much has happened in our lives to this point - our relatively young 30 something lives - and how much we had grown and how much more God would have for us in the coming years. Spiritually we are just babies, really. There is so much for us to learn and do in our future. I don't want to wish these days away by any means, but it is hard not to be excited by what God has in store. In store for us and these 4 little people that I am watching so full of life all around us!

After we returned home we got back into a routine and ushered in the month of May. With that brought graduation celebrations for our boys from various grades into the next. It also brought Gabby's 2nd visit with her cousins Mason (7) and Cooper (5). They were very tentative with her at first. It was as if they had preconcieved notions of what to expect.  Perhaps the fact that she was so little and new made them nervous or left them questioning how to interact with her. Certainly within a few minutes of that first encounter they were in love.  Cooper and Mason both wanted pictures taken with her and they sat with her like they would never see her again. I couldn't help but to be emotional the way they just invited her into the family and certainly into their hearts.
About a month later we took our boys and Gabby to meet Jeannie, Mason and Cooper at Lake Isabella for a fun family evening! Mason and Cooper were both shocked at how much Gabby had grown and how much more she was watching them now.  Even with his cousins playing games on the playground equipment Mason would not leave Gabby's side for the longest time. He wanted to hold her, feed her and just ask a ton of questions about her. It was so sweet, so innocent and so pure. The love that is just naturally there for others in the young innocent heart of a child. Yes, Gabby is our daughter, but yet is a stranger to him. She is a sweet baby, but she gives him nothing in return for his affection at this time. You can't watch that, experience that and not be moved at how that is what God intended for all of us. Not to have the judgment, ill will, presumptions, judgment, bitterness or walls that come with "growing up" in this world. It is convicting. My heart just swelled as I watch this interaction and this little man of God interacting with who is not much more than a stranger to him, with such love, compassion, kindness and patience. Just as God intended it to be for any of us that call ourselves "Christians"  - followers of Christ. It doesn't matter if people do what you want, act the way you think they should, look like you, live in the same country as you or can give you anything in return for what you offer to them. We are called to love - everyone, just as they are. It is certainly a common thread that runs through every life and story that I have ever seen that has been touched by the miracle of adoption. My story has been no exception!

Maybe this sounds familiar? Refer to Paul's letter to the Colossian's: "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy, and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." ~Colossians 3:12. Lord, let me be more like a little child - I don't want to grow so hardened by this world and my "hurts"! I want to clothe myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Thank you my precious little Mason (and all of the boys for they are all equally loving and gentle in spirit!) for being such a beautiful light in this world and showing me every day the way God intended us to love each other.

Gabby also turned 3 months old in May, I celebrated my first mother's day as the privileged mother of 3 wonderful boys AND a beautiful baby girl - my cup is so full :) We also celebrated Derek's birthday, my mom's birthday and Memorial Day with a beautiful honoring parade in Blue Ash with friends. That actually brings something to mind. The friend that we celebrated Memorial Day with is a birth mom. I have known her for a couple years and had no idea until she told me in a beautiful encouraging note that she sent me shortly after we had shared the story about Gabby through my blog. It was so touching to me that she would share that with me. She was also to give me some wonderful advice about how to be considerate of Auntie M's feelings and the rollercoaster of emotions that she will be on. I was so nervous about preparing for the birth of our baby girl and how I should treat M. I knew I loved this girl, but I didn't know how to express that to her without smothering her or making it weird. I didn't even know what I really wanted or didn't want from her or to give to her. I was walking in a fog that week leading up to Gabby's birth. My emotions were all over the place. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping and could keep the tears from falling....tears of joy, excitement, fear, sadness for M.

I know that God put this BirthMom, and so many others that I have also heard from, there to play their role in this incredible story. Just as only those allowing God to work through them can do, her encouragement and advice came exactly when I needed it.

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

May wrapped up as an incredible month of growth, love and happiness. It has been quite a crazy last few months, but we are so looking forward to everything to come. I know it is going to keep getting better and better and better with God at the helm!

"You were made for such a time as this."

Esther is a well known heroine of the Bible was an orphan who was adopted and raised by her uncle before becoming a Queen, wife of King Xerxes, of Persia. The story of how Esther became the queen is well known to me, as is the often heard quote "but for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). It was when my mother in law, Jeannie, referred to me as an "Esther" and quoted the above mentioned to me in reference to my life and the events that are unfolding that I humbly wanted to go back to the Book of Esther and read it again. I wanted to meditate pray fully on the verses, the story, God's living word. Jeannie is a true woman of God - in the truest sense of the word. When you get something like this from her you listen! I mean me - how did she see anything in me or my life that could be likened to Esther of the Bible?

As I studied the story from a new perspective, several things jumped out at me. First, I started to realize that Esther, like most of us, shrunk away from what she did not see as desirable or that might cause her discomfort (or really in Esther's case, death). As Mordecai taught her to pray for what God wanted for her and not what she wanted for herself, God's word is speaking directly to us. I know that most often I will pray for what I want and not what God would have for me and/or my family. I mean I will usually add "if it's your will, God", but the turth is (and He knows it's in my heart!) that I want him to not actually listen to that part. Especially when I know what I want/need and I think I have figured out how it could or should happen. I am more less saying, "okay, God, I have this one figured out all on my own in all my infinite wisdom so if you could just bless this and see that MY will be done then everything will be good." Kind of sounds ridiculous when I type it out in black and white!

Another thing I am certain God wants to point out to those of us reading the story of faithful Esther, is that God will put us in positions and places to be used by him and for his purpose. I also know that we have freewill and often, even at God's urging (whether known or unknown to us) we will simply not follow through as he intends. When that happens he will simply find another person or that opportunity will be lost or something of consequence that God did want for us can happen in our lives. I am sure that there have been many many things that I have not accomplished that God had set out before me, but I know that there are many that I have.

The interesting thing is that as I mediated on God's word through the story of Esther I was reminded that the first adoption agency we contacted to pursue our Chinese adoption we were turned away from. That's right, we were denied using their services. Not only was my pride hurt, but I was heartbroken! After reviewing our file I got a phone call (while in Kroger’s) in which they broke the news to me. We had just filled out the preliminary paperwork and were waiting on them telling us that we were good to move forward. After I hung up with the very sorry and apologetic girl from the agency I stood there just stunned. I was shocked and hurt. Sadness completely swept over me standing there in the bread aisle. I do not know what I must have looked like to other shoppers, but I assume at the least they must have noticed the color drain from my face and the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

I immediately called Derek as I walked away from my cart and out of the store. I really don't even remember my walk back out to my car. It's amazing I didn't get flatten crossing the parking lot - my local Kroger is one busy place!!
By the time I got to the car I was crying..... body shaking sobs. After all our conversations, our prayers, our confirmations that moving forward with adoption was the right thing for us, I couldn't believe this hit. Notice I didn't begin praying for God's direction or even confident that this was God's work and that he had actually closed this door, but I rather I was distraught, upset and felt defeated. Wow, how I can get so caught up in my moments and my "stuff" that I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders - shoulders that were never meant to bear the weight. It is a recipe for disaster.

Well, of course, we decided that this could NOT be God's will for us and that we would contact the other agency we had been speaking with and see if they had the same reservations. My spirit was lifted as I hung up the phone with that agency and we were encouraged that they would love to get our file started right away. I took this as a sign that God had just wanted us to use this agency for whatever reason and moved forward. Fast forward almost a full year later and we had flown through the international adoption process, approvals were secured and were now waiting on a referral for our daughter from China. Within days of wrapping all of this up I was contacted by a friend of a friend with news of the birth of who was to be my daughter. It wasn't like God didn't know this 10 months earlier and he was now scrambling to get a family set up for this little girl. He knew before she was ever conceived who's family she would be part of. So why then did Derek and I do so much work, invest so much money and spend so much time to adopt a little girl from China that was stopped in its tracks? Well, I don't know. Yep, I said it. I hope that I will someday understand what this process has been all about. Am I to still pursue our daughter in China? Am I to pursue ministry work to these precious children? Maybe, all we did was simply to open the door for someone else who would have never considered such an opportunity before? Again, I do not know....I may never know.

 Unlike when I started this process I now understand that I am not infinite and all knowing (as much as I often try to convince my family that I am! ;). I am not living out my life, but the life God wants for me if I will only take it and follow his direction. That life is interestingly enough not all about ME, but rather what God can use me for to achieve his purpose and plan. Like Esther, I am made for such a time as this, and so is anyone else that would give their life to Jesus and be willing to live for his purpose and not their own. At times I am frightened, disappointed and hurt - often actually. No one should ever make you believe that walking out what God has for you will be easy - it's not! I can promise you that it will be so worth it though and that the joy and blessings you will receive along the way will be so much greater and so much more than you could ever come up with on your own (or even with the help of others!).

"For if you remain silent now, then relief and deliverance will come to the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. Who knows if you haven't come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

God's plan will come to light even if you are unable or unwilling to participate, but if you will listen for his voice and follow where he wants you to go he can and will use you to further his kingdom here on earth. Why should that really matter? How many people do you want to lead to Christ? I want people to know a love like I know. A plan for their life that isn't in vain. I want to live out what God has called me for - what I am made for!

Here I am living out this blessed life now with a daughter added to my precious family. A daughter that brought with her a relationship with her "belly mom" (as my friend's daughter referred to Auntie M - the "birth mom"), with her half brother and half sister, her grandmother and all the incredible journeys that are to come with all of this. My entire family has been forever affected by this. I know that God loves us and he loves our new family from our "belly mom", as well. He brought us together.

This is a moment that I was made for! I know there are many more to come even and that is beyond exciting. I mean how could it get better than this? But for God......

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5,6

Long overdue.....

Well, it has been almost 3 months since I have enter a new blog entry and that is entirely too long!  So much happens around here every single day. I need to get it all out on paper or I will lose track and forget some of the incredible events that make up our lives.

I would like to go back to a few days after I wrote my last blog (which was entered on March 29, 2012) and talk a little bit about the month of April....okay, well really it is pretty much going to just be about Easter weekend. 
One of the most amazing events of that month was most certainly our celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. It was an entire weekend celebration, really.  Starting with an incredible Good Friday Service at our church Friday evening.  Of course after having the miraculous events of the past couple months happen to our family sort of changes your perspective on nearly everything happening in your life.  Everything suddenly has new meaning and importance that you maybe didn't notice before.  Good Friday has always been an incredibly significant day for our family and the celebration of our faith and our God. This year the emotions were almost impossible to contain.  As I held my 6 week old baby girl and sang praises to my Lord I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the love that God has for me....for us.  I was overwhelmed by the realization that we are all adopted into the family of God.  That God has such a heart for all of his children - so much so that he gave us Jesus that we might all accept him and be saved. As a mother, the reality of Jesus' death certainly hit harder than it had before motherhood, but now even another dimension had been added as a mother of an adopted child. Here I am holding this precious little life in my arms that did not come from my flesh or my husband's flesh yet she could not be any more mine. She could not be any more a part of us than she is.  The love that we feel for her is no different than the love that we feel for our sons.....flesh of our flesh. There is nothing that she had to do to "earn that love" or please us enough for us to love her.  She doesn't have to be "good enough" or "perfect enough". We accepted her and loved her before we had ever met her....before we had seen even so much as a picture of her. We loved her before I could touch her or even hear her heartbeat. It really gives you a new perspective on how God could feel what he feels for us. It is possible to love like this because of God's love inside of you.  Our God is so good!

 All who believe are adopted as children of God:
"But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God." ~ John 1:12
“In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace.”  ~ Ephesians 1:5

On Saturday the weekend festivities continued with an Easter Egg hunt and kid's celebration at our church (another first, as is everything for Gabby!).  My brother, Jason, and his family joined us. Watching my boys and my nephews, Tyler and Nathan, run around, dance and sing as our children's church leaders sang praise and worship songs was so joyful.  Gabby had at least 15-20 pint sized visitors come over to greet her while all the festivities were happening.  Many of the children in the church are just crazy about her. They are drawn to her like I have never seen them drawn to any other baby.  It makes you wonder if the innocence of children is able to make it easier for them to recognize something that often as adults we pass by.  The pure miracle that was all God's plan to bring her into the life she knows now and to be part of our family - she is a Tye!

I think as adults we get so caught up in making sure that we have everything "just so"....buttoned up and in the box so it is nice and neat and looks pulled together.  We shy away from anything that might make us too uncomfortable or uneasy. Or anything that society might look at and think it odd or too different to work. Kids don't worry about those perceptions or about being messy!  They approach life with such excitement and interest, throwing caution to the wind - ha!
Adoption probably falls into that category for many of us....messy. It just has too many unknowns, too many things can go wrong.  What if the child doesn't like us? What if they resent being adopted?  What if our friends and family have an issue with us having another child in our family? Will we have enough room?  Enough money? Enough love? What if she has health problems? Can we take care of her? What if we have issues with her birth mom? The birth mom's family? What if the biological father shows up? What if our boys don't like having a sister? What if she is treated "different" her whole life because she is adopted? What if, what if, what if!
I am in the middle of an incredible bible study right now by Jennifer Rothschild and the chapter we are in right now is taking about just that the "what ifs". Are your thoughts full of God's promises and wonders per his Word or are they full of worry and "what-ifs"? Worry chokes out the life giving truth that God wants us to fill out thoughts with every day. If we aren't able to concentrate on his truth and promises it is very hard to move forward into what God has for us.   We need to be abel to move forward!
 I know that the hesitations that Derek and I had were often many of these. In truth, some of these we are or have experienced through this process. Adoption is messy. It doesn't fit into a box and it certainly doesn't come with instructions. It is the most beautiful mess I have ever seen, though! We just try to feel our way forward every single day and every single day God meets us.  Every time I look at our baby girl I am reminded of what a miracle she is! Her life, her story, everything surrounding her.....it is just incomprehensible.

So finishing up our Easter weekend we went to Sunday's church service at Rivertree as a family with my mother in law, Jeannie, and then we all went out to Easter brunch.  After brunch we headed home to rest a little from the events of the last few days.  Being on the go is very "normal" for our family, as always seem to have so many events packed into every weekend (well every day really).  The rest of this Easter Sunday we had planned to spend quietly at out house with our boys and new baby girl.  Shortly after arriving home I got a message from Gabby's birth mom that said, "Happy first Easter Gabby! Happy Easter to the family...love you guys."  After asking "Auntie M" (this is how she has chosen to be known to Gabby, although Gabby will know that she is her birth mom) how her day had been and if she was enjoying her family time we realized that she was having a terrible day. 
I felt that immediate tugging on my heart - the one that God does when he is wanting me to do something....typically something uncomfortable or at the very least something that makes my day more "messy". 
Within a few minutes I texted her back to see if she would like to come over for an Easter dinner with us.  I actually hadn't planned one, but knew that we would have to eat at some point after our lazy around time so I figured that it wouldn't be that hard to set another spot. Besides it was hard to deny that this was what God wanted to happen.  This would be the first time Auntie M had seen Gabrielle since the permanent surrender dinner back on Feb. 22. 
I was nervous about how it would go really.  Would this be salt in a wound for her?  Would she see our house and our family in our "real world" at home and think she had made a big mistake. We had been built up pretty high by a mutual friend (at least that's how I felt) and God bless her heart, but I felt like I couldn't be and wasn't all those things she described. Auntie M had never been to our house before and here she is coming over in less than an hour!  Wow, anxiety started to mount as I let the doubts and negative thoughts creep in. The "what-ifs" were piling up and I was becoming fearful of how things were going to go. Ah, so that is why God says not to let those thoughts fill your mind?!
About an hour later Auntie M arrived at our front door.  There were a few awkward minutes while we all got adjusted to being around each other again. How do you define these roles anyway?  Man, it would be nice if there was an instruction manual sometimes!  I am the mom, but she is "the" mom, too. Derek is the dad, but clearly he is not "the" dad.  How do we all fit in this new family that we have?  How about my boys? They are Gabby's brothers and so proud of it, but what about her young 2 year old son.  He is also Gabby's brother.
Since this was the first time we had seen each other in over a month, she came alone. Not bringing her 3 y/o daughter or 2 y/o son.  I cooked dinner while Derek, the boys, Gabby and Auntie M played outside - it was a gorgeous day!  Everything actually went very smoothly.  I would peak outside and they were laughing, tossing ball with the dog, the kids were playing.  It seemed almost normal....what is "normal" anyway?!  I don't think that would be a term to describe our family any longer - if it ever was!

Dinner went well. Auntie M enjoyed everything I had made and, as usual, we joked that I had introduced her to many new foods and flavors - I am a bit of a self proclaimed "foodie".  After dinner we made our way into the family room and relaxed on the couch talking and taking the occasional picture (for Gabby's scrap book that I WILL be working on eventually).  It was a really good time. We talked about the events and effects of the last 6 or 8 weeks and how we were all adjusting.  We laughed and even almost cried a little.  At around 10:00pm we wrapped up the evening and M went home. 

It was a very emotional day from sun up to sun down (we have been having alot of those recently!) and it was also amazing!  I know that to say that I don't really know how to put it into words sounds really silly - after all I AM writing about it!  I just don't have the right words to express the emotion that is associated with this experience as a whole. Everything is new. Even the emotions are on a level that I am not sure I have experienced before. 
I mean take the birth of Gabrielle for instance. Of course I know the emotions associated with having a baby - I have given birth to 3 of them - but to watch my baby being born from another woman is immensely different.  Here is my baby (and trust me I felt like that from the first doctor's appointment and seeing her little image on that ultrasound screen) being born not of my body, but yet I feel the same connection to her that I did my babies that were born of my body.  When she cried my heart lept out of my chest in the same way.  When the doctor laid her on her mom's belly, though it wasn't my belly. It was her birth mom's belly, M's belly.  That fact was a fact that would always be with our family. I was crying for me, I was crying for her and I was crying for our baby girl, I was crying for my husband, I was crying for the overwhelming joy I couldn't contain.....whew, that is alot of crying!

Right now I am certain of only one thing and that is that I am totally in love with our little girl and that all of us that have any part in her life only want the best for her - that is why we are all here, together. It is all about her.  With God's grace and mercy we will get through this and even more than get through this - we will live this wonderful miraculous life out together. We have all gained so much in this adoption. It really is true - love is what it is all about. We have leaned on God heavily over the past several months in a way we maybe never have before. Trusting him to show us the way and open the doors that needed to be opened while closing the ones that were not right for us. Always with faith in His plan, hope for our future and knowing that God's love in us would be enough for what we were going to do.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." ~1 Corinthians 13:13

Every good and perfect gift comes from above!

Our precious baby girl is now 1 month old! As I sit here typing out my latest blog (and first one in nearly a month!) our sweet little Gabrielle is curled up sleeping sound on the sofa right next to me. I still can hardly believe she is real....that she is really here and part of our family. She is just so perfect - a perfect fit into our lives. A perfect gift from God!
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17 (ESV)

It has not been easy to figure out what our new "normal" is going to be - as it is with any new mom, of course! - but I think we are really close to getting there. This past week I have been able to get back to some sort of workout schedule and with the beautiful weather I have been able to start jogging with Gabby in the jog stroller (and usually Parker on his bike being our "pace setter"). I am so thankful for this. The first few weeks it was just so hard learning how to function being so sleep deprived that I really didn't want to get off the couch until at least noon. I understand that is the case for most new moms (certainly was for my first three!), but I felt so guilty and ridiculous having not actually given birth yet still feeling like I needed to lay around so much. I think my body was just really struggling with the lack of rest at first. Somehow it seems like I am finally starting to adjust. It wasn't all bad, though...spending that time holding my baby girl, bonding with her, has been priceless! For several weeks nearly every morning was spent just me and Gabby getting to know each other and I was totally falling head over heels in love.
It seems like Gabrielle is finally starting to fall into a pattern with her sleep and her day, too. Now at nearly 5 weeks old she is spending more time awake and interacting with me. She is amazing....she just stares at me with those beautiful blue eyes listening to everything I say to her, I sing to her and pray with her. She is such an amazing little person. I am so humbled by the amazing grace of my God and how he would trust the life of this incredible little girl to us. Trust her to me, to Derek and to each of our boys! What an incredible responsibility and blessing!

Of course, bringing a newborn into your home comes with many adjustments for everyone. I was most nervous for my boys and how this may affect their lives. While all three were very excited and "on board" with the adoption from day 1 it's still completing changing the dynamics of our family, as it would for anyone. I did notice the first week that Parker (my baby boy :) was more reserved than normal. He is usually little lover and will give me hugs, kisses and just generally wants to cuddle with me anytime I will have him. I LOVE this about him, but since he is already 5 and I figured time was running out on seeing alot of these things from him. I was sad to think that Gabby coming home had put an abrupt end to it. It seemed like Parker immediately decided he was now a big brother like Max and Tanner and he was going to act the part. Well, thank God it didn't last long and my little guy is back to "normal" - hugging, kissing and cuddling mommy again! :) Parker is the one who spends the most time at home with Gabby and me since he is only in preschool a few hours a week. He helps me with her baths always grabbing her towel for me, getting me wash cloths and kneeling next to the tub where she stares at him while I soap her up. He talks to her and tells me how much she loves her baths because "girls like to be clean" :) Parker is constantly asking if he can help change her diaper - of course bolting out of the room if it is anything more than wet!
Max has jumped in and been so helpful with Gabby. Her arrival has brought out this really mature side of Max that is amazing. If he sees that I need to get something done he offers to hold Gabby or feed Gabby for me. If she is fussing in her swing or in her crib he will ask if he can give her a pacifier or turn some music on or a mobile going for her. He is always the first to try and soothe her. He really cares for her well being and can't stand to see her in any discomfort for even a second.
Tanner, my oldest son, is very interested in everything about her day. He loves to help me get her dressed and just loves to see how cute she looks all dressed up. He gets a kick out of her little shoes and hair bows. We put her in things and just ooh and aah all over her - and always one of us will say "go get the camera!". Tanner enjoys reading all the cards that our friends and family have sent to her and to us. He also enjoys reading books to Gabby while rocking her in the glider in her room.
All three boys have just been amazing with her and really love spending time with her in their own ways. What an incredible blessing!

In her first short month of life, Gabby has had a photo shoot, a dedication to the Lord, a "Welcome Party", spent time getting to know most of her family and many many new friends, attended her first women's bible study group, attended her first "small group" bible study, attended her brother's sporting events, gone on several real estate appointments with mommy and so much more! She has just been a joy through all of it. She just fits so perfectly into our family and we cant imagine our life without her now.
I can't help but to still look at her and wonder "why us?"....what did we do to deserve this incredible gift? We are not special, but we have been given this very special little person. Sometimes those questions are met with answers in my head that we are clearly NOT deserving - how could anyone be deserving of this, least of all us?  What I have realized through my bible studies and prayers is that we are human and so we are flawed, but it is our willing hearts and minds that God looks for regardless of how "undeserving" we may be (Proverbs 21:2, 1 Chronicles 28:9, 2 Corinthians 9:8).
We have to step out when He calls us to. We have to be willing to be uncomfortable and change up what we feel like is working just fine. I always say "if it isn't broke don't fix it", but that won't work with God! He is always asking us to step out of what we know and find routine and neat and tidy to do His will. Sometimes we follow and sometimes we pretend we don't hear."God is continuously checking out the heart of man.  He is not looking to blame or find fault.  He is looking to bless. " ~M. Cortright

I am so thankful for such a gracious and loving Lord that would trust us such a responsibility. I am grateful that this process has given me a reason to write for God's glory and tell the story of an incredible loving and gracious heavenly Father. A Father that equally loves and cares for all of his children and wants everyone to know that He longs to bless them in ways that can't even be numbered. I pray that I am able to walk out God's plan for my life and be the parent He requires me to be to all of our children.

Before I wrap up this blog I want to give some stats on Gabrielle's amazing growth! When she was born she was 7lbs 1.8ozs and about 19 1/2" long (there is some debate on how accurate the length is!). At her first doctor appt (a couple of days after her birth) she was 6lbs 7ozs and 19 1/2". This past week we learned she has grown to 9lbs 7oz and is 20 1/2" long! That is 3lbs in 1 month :) At least now she is finally starting to get some cute little rolls on her legs and arms - they were so skinny when she was born!


"He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust."--Psalm 103:10-14

This is a day the Lord has made!!

I can hardly believe that it has been a full week since our lives were forever changed by the birth of our miracle baby girl!

I really want to recount all the details of that event not only to share with everyone who has been following us on this journey, but also in an effort that as life happens I don't forget or mix up the details. So here we go........

Sunday morning, Feb. 19, 2012 Derek and I show up at the hospital at 7:50am for the 8:00 induction of the birth mom (M.) of our highly anticipated little princess that we now know as Gabrielle! I was as nervous as I had ever been about anything else in my entire life. I had not been able to sleep the night before for the anticipation of her birth! I was armed with my Dunkin' Donuts coffee though which was certainly helping to make me wide awake. Actually I am not sure that it was even needed because as much as I was nervous I was incredibly excited! I wanted to yell through the halls of the hospital that my daughter was being born today. It was another one of those strange moments where I felt certain I was relating more to fathers in an impending birth situation than the mother that I had been 3 times previously.

Just before 8:00am M. texted me to let me know they had just pulled in the parking lot. This is REALLY happening I thought! Derek and I held each other for a few minutes praying and comforting each other....it was a special moment. Calm before the storm.

M. stepped off the elevator with her mom. I had never met "grammy" before so this was a big first. We all embraced for hugs and a few tears and made our way toward the door for the family birthing area.

Once admitted in, M. was settled in to the bed and promptly hooked up to an IV to start fluid. Within the hour they had her hooked up to Pitocin and checked for progress. We couldn't believe that she was still only 3cm dilated! This may be a long wait we started to think. Every 1/2 hour or so they "turned up" the Pitocin so that by 12:30 she was getting a pretty steady high dose of the synthetic hormone. Contractions were coming and sometimes intense, but they were not any more regular and she was not progressing in her dilation either.

During this wait, Derek, grammy (M.'s mom) and I talked and kept busy on any one of the 6 or 8 technical devices we all had with us in the room ;) It was surreal...

Finally around 1:00pm the doctor decided that she wanted to break M's water and see if that would get us moving faster in the right direction. Shortly after her water was broken, M's contractions became stronger although not very regular still. She did decide after about an hour to go ahead and get an epidural. Around 3:00pm she started feeling like the contractions were getting painful lower in her abdomen so the nurse thought maybe she would need to check her bladder and/or call the anesthesiologist back up to make sure he didn't need to adjust her epidural.

About that time I noticed that with each contraction our baby's heart rate was dipping. It was only minutes after noticing that the doctor appeared in the room and was checking her vitals. I figured that the doctor must have been watching the monitor from the back room. Shortly after entering the room the doctor announced that she would like to check M's progress. She checked her and saw that she was now complete and the baby was coming!


Within seconds the room was full of nurses, equipment and lights was coming down out of the ceiling and the doctor was washing up! I kept thinking, "This is it!! Our daughter is coming!!!” I positioned myself up at M's shoulder with camera in hand. Contractions were coming hard and M pushed. The doctor told her on the next contraction that "we are going to have a baby"! Second contraction came and M pushed with all she had and baby Gabrielle was here! It had taken only 2 contractions and less than 10 minutes and here she was. She started crying right away...great sign! She was placed on M's stomach and cleaned up briefly, her umbilical cord clamped. As we had planned, the nurse handed me to scissors so I could cut the cord. I was shaking so badly and my eyes so full of tears that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. The symbolism of this moment was not lost on me, though. Here was our daughter still connected by a single cord to the woman who had carried her safe and sound for 10 months. The woman who was allowing me to cut that tie and begin a bond of my own to my daughter. The love and bond that M had desired for her baby girl all along.

After cutting the cord she was then taken straight over to the newborn warming station. She was measured, weighed, diapered and dressed and handed to her mom (which M. had made very clear already)..... Who was me :) I gazed at her briefly in my arms before handing her over to her "grammy" who was anxious to hold her grand-daughter. This had all unfolded in the delivery room in a matter of minutes and I just couldn't believe that she was here in our arms!

As soon as we could we had Derek come in the room (he had been waiting outside the door with his ear pressed to it for 20 minutes waiting on permission to enter!! :)As soon as he entered I could just see his heart was melting from his facial expression! He was crying almost immediately as he held his daughter in his arms for the first time. The first thing he said was, "Hi baby. I am your daddy and I love you." It was an amazing moment that will always be frozen in time for me. He looked at me and said, "Jess, she is perfect." It was almost a whisper - a thankful thought spoken out loud.

Within a few minutes the doctors were done working with M and we were allowed to go to her side. The first thing we did was hand her Gabrielle. It was so amazing to watch Gabby and M gaze at each other in those few moments. It was such an incredibly spiritual and emotional exchange...so full of peace and love that surpassed worldly understanding. Another moment I will never forget and look forward to trying to convey to Gabrielle when she is old enough to understand her life/birth story.


Most of the many hours of that afternoon and evening are a blur. We were all physically tired (most of all M!), emotionally spent and mentally exhausted. As soon as M was cleared to eat we knew we had to order a celebration dinner and that is exactly what we did! Our "angle on earth", Teena, had arrived at the hospital to visit so the four of us ordered a huge steak dinner and all the sides from Outback Steakhouse. Teena went to pick it up and we all ate in the hospital room together while recounting the amazing events of the last week and of the day. All during this time Derek and I were getting messages and phone calls of congratulations on our baby girl. I must have received at least 200 myself! It was reading all these messages, prayers and well wishes that propelled Derek and I through the next several days. I really felt that M was also getting an amazing boost from the very same messages. It was a confirmation for her that what she was doing was the right thing. She could see, hear and watch all the love that we are surrounded with. And when I say "we" I don't just mean me and Derek. I mean her, too. Most of my messages, texts and phone calls all included inquiries about the "birth mom". Our friends and family were concerned about her, too. They couldn't imagine how difficult of a decision this must be for her and truly cared to know how she was doing. I know this was the love of God, the light of Jesus coming out from these amazing people in our lives. I have always thanked God for all the amazing people in my life, but it was now that I realized how truly amazing they really are! I know that this had always been God's plan and that He had his people in place long before we knew what he was assembling us for and oh, what an realization it was. Praise God!

At around 7pm Sunday night our nurse came in to tell us that the hospital was going to be able to move us down the hall into side by side rooms and that Derek and I would be able to keep Gabrielle in our room! Within the hour we were moved to our new rooms. The hospital had even moved 2 beds into mine and Derek's room so he wouldn't have to sleep in the lounger! It was so incredible.

The 4 of us continued to stay up talking and visiting for several more hours that first night. Gabby was passed around and cuddled by each one of us. She was just so perfect! At around 2am we finally turned in for the night.....what an adventure that first day had been.


Monday morning came fast. It was a long tiring night for all of us. M was next door in her own room and being checked on every few hours (read: no sleep) while we were in our room and Gabby being cheeked on every 2 hours (read: no sleep). We stopped trying to nap around 7am and went ahead and got up and dressed for breakfast. It was really strange to be in the hospital with my baby and not be going through the physical discomforts and issues that typically come along with such an event. While I wasn't personally dealing with these things my heart did go out to M who was next door (hopefully resting!) and was dealing with all of those discomforts while adding the pain that no doubt she was experiencing both emotionally and physically from her decision to give her baby to us. I knew why she was doing it and I knew that she truly believed in her decision and her concern and love for her daughter's life obviously the driving force behind it, but I also knew that wasn't going to stop the pain that would surely engulf her at some point. Not knowing how to help her through that or even if I could was a terrible feeling.


Derek went down to get us breakfast shortly after 7am and though I really wanted to see how M was doing we decided to leave her alone in case she was able to get some sleep. We left our door open all morning in case she came out of her room and wanted to stop in to see us and/or Gabby. By 9am I was dying to invite her over, but still didn't want to bother her. After a little while of waiting and debating I finally just texted her and said to come on over if she wanted some company. A few minutes later she joined us in our room and stayed with us the rest of the day. That morning the photographers came in to take pictures of Gabby and we got to share in that together. We were both oohing and aahing over the adorable little poses they put her in and how angelic Gabrielle looked in each shot! It was so fun to share that moment together, too.

Derek, M and I settled in to our room and took turns holding and feeding Gabby while we talked about how we were feeling and how little sleep we had each gotten. Again a surreal moment......

By late morning, my sister-in-law Sarah, stopped by the meet Gabby and my boys and mother-in-law came in too. It was a very special time for all of us and it felt right to share that together with M. While everyone was visiting with Gabby; M, Derek, the boys and I played Apples to Apples right there on the hospital bed - Tanner had bought this special travel edition specially to bring to the hospital so we could play games there :) We would forever be a family now and I was so glad that my family was getting to meet her and spend time with Gabby's first mom. I knew how great M was and I wanted everyone else to meet her and see what an incredible person she was, as well. M also said she really wanted to meet everyone and enjoyed being a part of those moments. Everything felt so right and I knew God's hand was in every single detail!

Later that afternoon even our dear friend, Amber, stopped by to meet Gabby. She brought with her a HUGE card for baby Gabby that had been hand made by the girls in our "Club 56" (5th and 6th grade students) class that we teach at church. They then had the card signed the Sunday Gabby was born by our church family. She also brought with her a homemade lunch, magazines and book for M. She cares deeply for M, too and it showed. Amber embodies what it looks like to show the love of Jesus to people. We are so blessed to have her in our lives and I know M will be to know her now, too!


Around 3:30 that afternoon Cherie, from our adoption agency, stopped in to speak with us about how we were to proceed making arrangements for where Gabby would stay for the next 2 days.

Let me explain a little about how a domestic adoption works in the state of Ohio:

In our case we are doing an "Identified Adoption" that is "open". Those are 2 words associated with adoption that many people have heard, but few actually know what they really mean. They are actually very simple definitions. "Open" simply means that we know who the birth mother is and the birth mother knows who we are and that when our daughter is of age she can choose to contact the birth mother. It also means that the birth mother wants to be part of this child's life in at least some capacity - her desire is not to ever completely lose contact with her child. "Identified Adoption" means that the birth mother chose the adoptive family personally and that she is only giving the child up to live with that family (that would be us! :).

Even though we all have agreed to what type of adoption that we are doing there is a still a mandatory period of 72hrs AFTER the birth of the child before the birth mother can sign over a permanent surrender of her rights to her child. This paper also names us as the family that she is placing her with.

Since it was just Monday and we had to wait until Wednesday at 3:29pm to officially be Gabby's forever family that left quite a gap that we had to figure out what to do with. M had officially been cleared to leave the hospital by her doctor earlier that afternoon. Since she had a young child that needed her at home she really wanted to get home to him, but was torn because of the predicament that we were being left in. The original plan was that Derek and I would be allowed to stay in a room at the hospital with Gabrielle (they would officially assign her to a nurse in the nursery, but that nurse would have her stay in our care so we could have her in our room), but then the hospital became overbooked. They literally had more infants in special care than they could handle and by law had to send any additional infants needing to be admitted into the hospital to Children's to stay. Derek and I would not be allowed to stay with her at Children's. If M chose to stay another night then they would allow us all the share a room with Gabrielle, but once M left (since the paperwork couldn't be signed until Wednesday and they couldn't legally allow us to leave with Gabby) we would have to leave and Gabby would be relocated unless a spot opened up in the nursery and that was a big "but". We were all scared and didn't know what the next step should be. We talked for hours going over options and ideas that may or may not work....most were shot down by the hospital staff and/or our adoption agency because there were laws that we all had to follow.


Finally someone asked why couldn't M leave with Gabrielle (as long as baby Gabby was cleared to leave) and then hand her over to us after she walked out of the hospital. I mean even though paperwork had been signed indicating that we were to be the adoptive parents, M still had all the rights that any parent would have with their newborn baby.

M agreed this was a perfect plan! She would hand Gabby over for us to "watch" until she signed the paperwork on Wednesday. The adoption agency agreed this would work and now we just had to get the pediatrician at the hospital to 'release" Gabby. No one even knew if the ped was still at the hospital! In a mad rush the nurse hurried off to see if the pediatrician would agree and we all waited nervously.

In a few minutes the nurse was back and the doctor followed her in the room. With some stipulations they were going to agree to release our baby and let us all go home - we had only been in the hospital a little more than 36hrs. This was truly another miracle!!


In a hurry, M went back to her room to pack and get ready to go home. Teena, who had come back to the hospital that afternoon to check on all of us, went to help her and planned to drive her home. Derek and I quickly packed all of our stuff up, too and signed all the necessary paperwork with the nurse. Within a half an hour the nurse had M in a wheelchair (hospital policy for new mothers) with Gabby in her car seat on her lap and Teena and me taking care of carrying what we could and wheeling the cart full of everything else down to the main exit. Derek ran ahead to pull our car up to the front. I just could not believe this was really happening.


Once outside M handed the car seat to Derek so we could place her in our car. I just stood back and watched what was happening. It almost felt like I was looking in on someone else's life. I was so numb really. I couldn't have dreamed of a better outcome for our short stay at the hospital, but I also was sleep deprived, mentally and emotionally exhausted and really concerned for what this was doing emotionally to M. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I thought much about my emotional state pretty much the entire time we were there. Of course, I was and had been scared to death! There were so many factors in this equation and none of them were even a little bit under my control. I had worked for the last almost 2 weeks on giving it all over to God. Knowing that He was in control and that His will would be done. I had prayed every way I had known how. I had praised Him for his goodness and inconceivable blessings on our life, but I couldn't erase the concern that things could still go very differently than we had wanted. It was easier to just push that to the back of my mind and focus on M. I truly was concerned for her and had no doubt that she was carrying the much heavier emotional burden than I was so there was not much of a decision to put her first.

I watched tearfully as she started to lose control of her emotions and cry at seeing her baby girl put into our vehicle. She knew that this was it....she was really placing her child with our family. Even though she legally had 2 more days to change her mind, she knew she wasn't going to and it was difficult for her to make that final break. As we embraced in front of the hospital entrance, she cried and said she was "sorry" and that she had "tried to stay strong". It broke my heart. She was strong. Dear Lord, didn't she know how unbelievably strong she was? She was doing something the she knew was so right for her daughter and so right for her other children. Something that was not the easy way out of caring for this child, but was the most difficult road she could have taken and proved how much love she did have inside her. It is a decision that as a mother I cannot even imagine having to make and one that I am not sure I would have ever been strong enough or selfless enough to do. Here stands the most selfless, strongest woman I maybe have ever known in my life in front of me and she is apologizing to me. "Please Lord tell her who she is - tell her how loved she is - she is your precious child!"....this kept going running through my brain over and over as we stood there telling her goodbye......for now.

Of course, the next couple of days at home were magical for our family. We were holding a little miracle in our arms. She was a miracle in so many ways! My how our world had turned upside down in just a matter of days! Only God could have orchestrated something so miraculous, something so incredible and is such a short amount of time with so little effort or control from those of us involved. We were just so in awe.

As our 72hr deadline approached and we were to meet to sign all the final paperwork at the adoption agency on Wednesday afternoon. As we drove there I became extremely nervous. I knew that legally she could change her mind and walk out of that meeting with our baby girl in her arms. I was so in love with our little Gabrielle and my heart was breaking at the thought that was even a possibility. I prayed most of the way there for myself and for M. I could only imagine what she must be going through as she was signing the paperwork to relinquish her rights forever to her child.


Once we arrived we were escorted into a room to wait for the director, Cherie, who was finishing up with M in another room. Once they were done she was going to come over and meet with us to sign our side of the documents. I am pretty sure I had at least 4 fingernails completely chewed off by the time Cherie made it to our room. She entered the room with a smile and announced, "Everything is signed and it went very well." I immediately yelled. "Praise God!" and hugged Derek. She was our little girl - legally!


We went through signing the stack of papers and got to the paper that says, "You were born Sunday, February 19, 2012 and your birthmother named you, Gabrielle Elaina at birth. You stayed in the hospital for 1 day and were released with your mommy and daddy on Monday, Feb. 20, 2012. Your mommy and daddy and big brothers are so happy! The day you went home with them was a very special day for all of them, because you were finally with your FOREVER FAMILY!".....that is when it was real to me! That was the paper that got me. Let me explain;

M had the ability to name Gabby anything she wanted at birth. She fills out the info for her birth certificate and then we have to change that at finalization - that is typically how it goes. M chose to name her baby girl what she already knew I had told her I wanted to name her. She stated to our adoption agency that she "did not want to take that away from her parents". In addition, the reason that we had to wait so long (allowing me to get through 4 fingernails while waiting!) was because when M arrived to sign the documents she noted that our baby's name was not spelled correct on the forms. The agency had mistakenly given Gabrielle the birth mother's last name because that is how it is "always" done. They didn't understand that when M filled out the paperwork in the hospital for her baby girl, she had not only given her the name I had told her I would name her, but she also gave her our last name. Her original birth certificate names her as Gabrielle Elaina TYE!!!!!! M could have done this any other number of ways and this is how she chose to do it. Even asking the agency to correct the mistake before signing so that everything would read the way it was supposed to in her file. I can't tell you the number of times I have cried as I have thought about and understand what kind of a person it takes to do the things that M has done. I am so blessed to even know this girl let alone be part of her family and bonded the way we are forever. I feel so undeserving to be part of a love like this on earth. It is something so heavenly - it is hard to describe with words...impossible I think.


I write this blog as I sit her in my home watching my beautiful baby girl on her monitor while she is safe and fast asleep in her crib. I often look at her and think, "how did we get here?" and "why did God bless us so richly?” I am just in awe of how merciful, generous and loving God is even when I am so undeserving - even while I am lacking in faith he blesses me beyond our wildest dream! I could never thank M enough for trusting us to be the parents of this precious baby girl. I could never thank Teena enough for listening to what God laid on her heart and putting M and my family together so that we could go on this journey. Even though I know I can't "repay" what God has done in our lives I know that God knows my heart and He knows that I desire more than anything to please Him and raise our daughter, and our boys, to live for Him. To love others even when they don't love you back, to give of your time, money and talents for His kingdom...for more people to know His love. I pray every day that God gives me the wisdom to do what is best for my children. Now that He has blessed us with another child I am really going to need more wisdom!

I am also so thankful for all the amazing people in our lives that have supported and continue to support us on this journey. We knew we were surrounded by amazing people, but I could have never imagined how amazing you all really were. You have shown a love beyond yourselves. A love that is of God....its service and compassion and grace. A love that is in response to witnessing a miracle of God - a miracle we know as Gabrielle Elaina Tye. What a blessing to be able to turn to the page every day and see how this will unfold into the story He wants to tell through her life. We are so blessed to be a part of that!



Matthew 18:5

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

This scripture is so fitting....it brings to mind for me the way God must feel about all of you as you have embraced this child and this journey that we are on together! Blessings :)